This.Is.Depression.

This is depression.

Depression is currently taking me on a lower level.

It’s telling me that I hate my life right now. Not the “teenager” version, where they just say shit because of their adolescent “imaginary audience” phase of life. It’s more of…

I don’t like my life right now.

I don’t like that I’m alone. Constantly alone. I wish I felt needed or wanted as much as I need others. 

I don’t like that I am constantly putting 100% effort into everything. And I get nothing from it.

I don’t like that I don’t get to live my life fully because some individuals in my life make me feel so guilty and take my weakness to their advantage. 

I don’t like my life right now.

I don’t like that I don’t get as much praise or appreciation as I give to others. 

I don’t like that I’m crying at this moment while I’m typing this.

I don’t like that I feel like I need to punch a wall or kick something because I am angry. Angry because I don’t like my life right now.

I don’t like that all my life, any individual who says “whenever you need someone to talk to, call me”….they don’t care. There have been many times when I have texted someone I needed them, they do one of the three things. 1. Don’t respond and when I text about something else, they respond quickly and forget about my depression situation. 2. Provide responses that don’t relate to my situation. 3. Stop talking to me completely. They don’t get depression, it’s a serious topic more than people know. 

I don’t like that I do get that “pity invite”, just so others could feel like a good person for one moment.

I don’t like that I’m stuck. I’m stuck living a life that I don’t like. I want to be on my own and challenge myself. But financially, I can’t do that right now and I don’t like it.

I don’t like that I am financially unstable. And some individuals still take advantage of me.

I don’t like that individuals that have not experienced depression or any other mental illness define it quickly to “they need professional help”. Sure, any online website can help tell symptoms of a depressed individual. Any mental illness is so much deeper than a list of symptoms. Sure, any therapist can clarify if you have any mental illness. They can prescribe drugs because they think that a drug can help you. Depression is deep. Deeper that anything a therapist will tell you. Any good therapist can dig deep into that depression. Mine just told me to “stop thinking about it”. That individual only dug up the surface of my depression. Therefore, I don’t seek “professional” help anymore. 

I don’t like that there is still so much stigma with depression.

I don’t like that I always have to pretend that I’m okay or content. I don’t like that I have to put up a fake emotion and pretend that everything is okay.
This. Is. Depression.
-Mel 

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