The Breakdown.

I broke down.

I have been so quiet and “not here” this morning at work.

I felt like watching a Paramore concert on Youtube and the song “Miracle” plays and I started to break down and cry. (https://youtu.be/RXNV9_mzLu4?list=LL7Nc3vHbuKe1botfsiwKfcQ)

It’s one of those situations when you don’t know how you feel and you listen to a song that perfectly describes how you feel. The song gave you the words that you couldn’t find.

“We’ve learned to run from
Anything uncomfortable
We’ve tied our pain below and no one ever has to know
That inside we’re broken
I try to patch things up again
To calm my tears and kill these fears
But have I told you, have I?”

Then all these deep thoughts and feelings begin to to appear out of the darkness. These thoughts and feelings were there, but it just stood hovering in the back of my mind until something brought it out.

I cried. I am still crying.

All I want to do right now is text my boss saying “I can’t go to work right now. I am really depressed and just want to lie in bed for the rest of the day”. But I can’t, because having a mental illness is not a “good enough” excuse for not going to work.

At the same time, I have a cold and a bad sore throat. If I text my boss, ” I can’t come to work because I still have a cold and need to rest for the remainder of the day”, I probably would get the day off.

I wish I could express myself, I wish I could express my depression.

But it’s so hard. And no one really understands.

And if they don’t understand, they run away. No one stays, they never stay. So I never tell. 

And then “Last Hope” begins to play.

“It’s just a spark
But it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out, no one’s around
It keeps glowing”

I’m still here, still living, still breathing.

Even when I feel really bad and just want to give up.

I’m still here.

If anyone is here reading this, you’re still here.

Even if people and life is treating you badly, do what you need to do. Do what you need to do to make YOU happy or makes you feel better. Even if it means cutting people or work or anything else that is constantly bringing you down.

Reminder to self: Take this advice.

-Mel

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