There are two sides of my thinking and my mind.
There is my depression side and my normal side.
Today was an example of how both sides of my mind clash with each other:
I didn’t get the job.
A job that was perfect for me. A child development center that was less than 15 mins away, full time, full benefits and the type of curriculum that I want to teach as a teacher.
The interview was a group interview, my first one. It went well, and got some amazing feed back and even got a tour of the center. I felt way too good after the interview.
At the same time, I am getting more frustrated at work. Always picking up the weight of work when someone is late, doesn’t show up or does not do their job. Additionally, the long drive to work and having a split shift doesn’t make things easier. My job makes me more depressed because I do the same thing every day and I don’t get challenged or can use my knowledge to the fullest potential.
This morning at work was a perfect example of frustration turned to anger and exhaustion in one morning.
And then, I got the email…. and I didn’t get the job.
My immediate raw emotion was to cry. Cry a lot. Crying till it turned into a panic attack.
My depressed mind told me:
- I worked so hard and did so well at this interview
- I got my hopes up and I knew that I shouldn’t have.
- I shouldn’t have told anyone about it.
- You should of prepared more, you shouldn’t have said _____ and ____.
- You have to start all over again, apply, and interview.
- You still have to work at your current job that makes you so frustrated.
I haven’t had a bad panic attack like this in awhile. It was a true raw emotion that I didn’t have to hide or pretend I was okay. As soon as I was able to get up from the ground, I wrote every single physical feeling that I was experiencing. Additionally, I drew a little note of happiness when I have a bad day (in my “bad day?” jar). Also, I listened to Adele.
That was my depression side.
My normal side/reality told me:
- Feel every emotion that you are feeling. It’s okay to cry.
- Just pray and know that there is a better plan for you.
- You are now more prepared for the next interview
- The director wrote a really kind email and wants you to PLEASE keep in touch and wants you to work for them in another time.
- Everything happens for a reason (and you know that)
- Let’s move on and start searching for another job.
- Continue feeling this emotion right now and tomorrow is another day.
When a situation like this arises, when my depressed side and normal side collide.. my mind gets too overwhelmed.
When I first read the email and started crying, I prayed and said, “I know that you have a better plan for me, but for right now this is how I feel and I just want to cry”.
I forgot how horrible panic attacks feel, especially attacks that lasts for 30 mins.