The Things That Are Never Said.

My mind is filled with so much thoughts that don’t make it to my mouth and are never said.

Therefore, the things that are never said just stay and float around in my head. But once more thoughts occupy my mind, it gets crowded and I get overwhelmed. Then it sometimes leads to anxiety and furthermore, I get a panic attack.

It doesn’t make me feel any better when thoughts just linger in my head. But at the same time, I can’t say those things to those people.

From all these lingering thoughts, some physical habits have formed. I bite my right thumb nail. I tap my fingers. I stare blankly at a certain spot, but I’m really going over every single thought in my head. I fix my hair over and over: from down, to down and all in one side, to bun and back to down again. I bite my bottom lip and at times, I give a little smirk when I’m in deep thought. When I’m nervous (such as a college presentation or an interview), I pace back and forth endlessly.

The things that are never said are the most important things that I need to say. 

I don’t know if it’s just me but sometimes I rehearse what I’m going to say in my head before I say it out loud. Because sometimes when I don’t think about what I’m going to say: I stutter, combine words together to make one work and say something I didn’t mean to say…then I regret it.

I’ve always been scared to tell people how I really feel because there have been times when: people have put me down, tell me I’m wrong, get mad at me or somehow turn it around and blame it on me. Or don’t talk to me.

I am constantly watching my words because I am always thinking about how others feel and how they would react to my words.

The Things That Are Never Said:

  • I don’t want to be treated like a child. I’m 26 now, almost 27. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. I know what to do, it frustrates me when you tell me things that I know already. You know that I’m an organized, well-prepared and hardworking individual, just trust me.
  • I don’t feel like we’re close anymore. I miss being able to talk to you on a daily basis and making plans to go somewhere. And sometimes I feel like you’re becoming closer to that other individual that you exclude me even more. And when we’re all in the same place together, you tend to go closer to that person more than me. I know that when it’s your next birthday, I’m going to lose you even more because I don’t go out.
  • Just because you don’t want to be there does not mean that you need to stop working.  I don’t want to be here too, but I still get the job done. It’s even more frustrating because you’re in a position that’s above me.
  • I lie and say I don’t think about you. But, I still do. Somehow you still come into my life in different ways and I hate it. I always wonder if you’re doing good and really do hope we can catch up sometime in life again.
  • I’m always afraid of losing you in my life. I don’t have any friends really and I’m afraid that I’ll lose you. I just wish you knew how much you mean to me and wish that we would talk as much as we used to such as Skype calls and seeing each other often.
  • Thank you. Thank you for always finding time for me, asking me to have lunch or just text me once in awhile. It’s good to know that at least one person cares enough to think about me.
  • I have only worked with you for about 7 months and you know me so well already. You could tell so quickly how exhausted, distressed and frustrated I was this morning and you checked up on me so quickly. You have been placed into my life during these last 7 months for a reason. I would have not gone through all this shit at work without you. I am truly going to miss you when you transfer to your new position next week.

“ Isn’t it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most? ”

  • Charles Lindbergh

 

-Mel

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