I DIDn’t KILL MYSELF.

I overheard a conversation about suicidal thoughts last week and I have been thinking a lot about the times when I wanted to end my life/commit suicide/end the pain.

I know that there’s so much stigma and false interpretations on the reasons why people kill themselves. From my experience, I wanted to kill myself because I was at rock bottom. There wasn’t anything to make me feel better and it felt like I was stuck in a deep dark  hole and I couldn’t get myself out.

Overall, I was in so much emotional pain that  I felt like ending my life was the only way to end the pain.

The first time I wanted to kill myself was between the end of 8th grade and up to sophomore year of high school. I was in that deep dark hole in my life and it happened to occur during high school. During that time, adolescents are trying to find their identity and I completely lost mine. At the end of 8th grade my grandma passed away & along with mourning her loss, my friends started to slowly distance themselves from me. Then during high school, my close friends went to a different school than me. And the only friend that I had in my school quickly became friends with other people. I was alone for 2 years. I had lunch in an area that was away from where anyone could see me, I didn’t have anyone.

I told myself that by the time I was 18, I was going to end my life. (That’s why I care so much about my birthdays, because I made it passed the age that I wanted to die). Eventually, things got better and the thought of killing myself disappeared.

Not too long after turning 18, I was in my first real relationship and things ended badly (a.k.a. he left me for another girl). It put me into a depression that led me into that deep dark hole. I didn’t know how to handle the situation emotionally. It was my first real breakup and my depression had affected everything in my life. And during that time, I just wanted to end the pain so badly. I had never felt this type of pain before and I just wanted to drive off a cliff or jump off a bridge to end the pain.

A couple years later, another breakup happened. But this time, I felt depressed before the break up occurred. The breakup was just the trigger that evolved into years of deep depression  It affected my life again, but now I felt more alone than ever. I didn’t have anyone. Everyone in my life had told me that I should talk to them whenever I needed to. But, friends and cousins were starting to have relationships and I didn’t have anyone. It was another thing that added to my depression. That deep dark hole got deeper.

I got into that deep dark hole again not to long ago after graduation (around 6 months ago). I had put all my focus on school that once it ended, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I still didn’t have anyone for me and I felt stuck in my life that I hated.

As the thoughts of HOW to kill myself grew…I thought about the people in my life.

Even though they caused me to feel like shit, feel like I was incapable of doing anything or feel like I was nothing of importance to them.

I STAYED ALIVE FOR THEM. EVERYONE IN MY LIFE.

Even though, I felt like I wasn’t important to them and that they didn’t need me in their life anymore…I stayed alive for them.

Because I didn’t want to cause them pain. I didn’t want to be the reason of why they felt guilty or sad from my death.

I stayed alive for them. And I still don’t feel important to their lives. I feel like they invite me to things because they feel sorry for me and then they talk shit behind my back. I stayed alive for the ones that laugh at me and roll their eyes when I say something or “do something dramatic”. I stayed alive for the ones that don’t talk to me anymore. I stayed alive for the ones that will get mad at me for shit that is not my fault. I stayed alive for the ones that claimed that they will be there for me, but then ignore my messages when I really need it.

Why? Why did I stay alive for them?

Because I care about everyone else than myself. And they don’t understand that, they will never understand.

BUT I WILL STILL HAVE THIS PAIN THAT CLINGS TO ME. I DID THIS FOR THEM & I STILL GET HURT.

I’m still alone. & I’m still alive. 

Please don’t ignore the ones that need help. Be there for them. They don’t want attention, they just want help. Please.

 

-Mel.

 

 

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