It’s been 9 years since the age of when I wanted to die.
when I was a teen, I always told myself that when I turned 18 or before I became legal that I would kill myself.
I was not happy with my life and depressed. From 13-17, I convinced myself that the future was not so bright for me. Instead I should end it to avoid any feeling of failure or not feel happy with my life.
Then when I was 17.5 things changed. I got my drivers license and the day after I got my first job. And at that first job, I met someone who I was convinced was the reason I should stay alive.
So I turned 18.
But then that happy phase of my life turned back to depression when my boyfriend decided to leave me for another girl.
That was the first time in my life where I hit rock bottom. I had insomnia for months and cried every night. I skipped classes and I didn’t eat. At age 19, I weighed 84 pounds. I am very small and very petite. But 84 pounds was not healthy at all for a small and petite girl.
I wanted to die. And I had the perfect plan. That whenever I hit the bottom of rock bottom that I would just drive, close my eyes and hit my pedals full speed off a cliff.
I didn’t do that. I don’t know why I didn’t do it. But I met a good friend in my first years of college and life was good again.
Years passed. I was in another relationship ( I never learn). I was convinced that this guy was my answer to my reason of being alive. And no surprise, he left me for another girl. (Yup, I never learn).
My depression hit hard. Luckily during that time, I went on a month long trip to the Philippines 2 months after he broke up with me. But, reality hit me as soon as I got back. Rock bottom hit again.
One day at work, a slightly heavy box of lids fell fast and hard on my head. I got a bump and later found out that it was a minor concussion. I had to keep my head safe from hitting anything.
But one night, I got really depressed and mad at myself. And as soon as I parked my car in front of my house from work. I banged my head hard on the steering wheel and then went inside and banged my head on the wall. I knew that banging my head with a minor concussion would make things worse.
I don’t cut my arms or physically hurt my body from depression. But, that was the first time I knew that I have the ability to hurt myself physically.
And the only reason that I did it…was because I wanted the pain to end.
The pain that came from hitting rock bottom in my life and feeling that my life cannot get any better. It was a mental pain that hurt so much that it turned into a physical pain.
I felt my body so tense that it turned into body aches and started to get migraines.
I didn’t kill myself and banging my head didn’t do much.
I stayed alive.
For a couple of reasons:
- I didn’t want my family or close friends to blame themselves for my death
- I was afraid to fail in my suicide attempt. If I failed and if someone had found me, I was afraid that they would put me in a hospital and be labeled as “suicide watch”and seen as a crazy mental person.
Just because I have depression doesn’t mean that I’m crazy and need to be hospitalized.
I am a normal person. I just have circumstances in my life that don’t make me feel happy or satisfied with my life.
I am trying everyday. Trying to accept myself and my life.
Please seek help if you hit rock bottom and want to end the pain forever.
You are not alone. I am here for you.