Re: assurance

By having depression and anxiety for a little over a decade…

I can’t trust my mind, it’s scares me.

I second-guess myself every moment of everyday. Every second-guessing leads to thinking, which leads to worrying then to overthinking and  it ends in thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong.

With my mind constantly thinking and not taking a break, sometimes I can’t tell the difference between my mind making things up or REALITY.

It’s hard to trust my mind. It’s hard for me to trust my decisions and opinions. Especially when factors such as intimidating individuals begin to influence my decisions or my decisions were wrong.

With anxiety and depression, my mind alters my thinking that I am getting judged for my every action and watched by someone every moment of the day. This affects my thinking that every decision I make, it will be judged by some individual.

Whenever I make a mistake or when I do something “wrong” and individuals tell me…I feel the most horrible person ever (even for the smallest thing). That’s when my second-guessing begins eventually to anxiety…then anxiety attacks.

That’s when re:assurance begins. I have to ask others for re:assurance, just so I know that my mind is not being warped. And the more I have to get re: assurance, the less I trust my mind and the less I trust myself.  And if I don’t ask for re: assurance, I can’t stop thinking if I heard something right or wrong, if I did something right or wrong and anxiety grows.

My hearts starts beating. I can’t calm my mind nor body. I can’t stop fidgeting. I can’t stop thinking.

It gets worse and worse. Because I think of the worst possible situation that can come from my decision without re: assurance.

I don’t like the fact that I have to get re:assurance because I can’t trust my mind.

I hate this. I hate how the only time my mind can relax or take a break is during those 7 or less hours of sleep I get every night. That’s not enough time. I want my mind to relax during the daytime when I’m awake.

I don’t think my mind has taken break in over a decade.

I want the ability to be confident in myself, in my decisions and in my thinking.

I don’t want my thinking and every aspect of my mind to be negative and ending up with the worst possible scenario playing over and over in my head.

I want to give re:assurance myself instead of getting re:assurance from others. 

-Mel

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