“At some point during dinner, surrounded by family. I thought I can’t do this anymore.”

Crying in the car on the way home from my mom’s birthday party.

Luckily it’s nighttime and it’s dark, so no one can see the tears down my face. I kept on crying but was very silent about it. I had to hold my breathing in so my parent’s couldn’t hear that I was crying. Then all of a sudden, we were five minutes away from my house and I felt as if all my makeup disappeared from all the crying and I had to hide it. 5 minutes. I know that when I cry, my eyes get red. I only had 5 minutes to stop crying and make it appear that nothing happened in the backseat of the car.

It’s the end of the first week of 2017.

& I don’t know why I thought that all my problems disappeared as soon as the clock strikes midnight on New Years. It doesn’t disappear, it continues as if it wasn’t a new year.

I’m still as awkward and very nervous at work. I am still all over my social media and feeling very disappointed at my life. I am still not myself.

Tonight. I was at my mother’s birthday dinner, surrounded by my aunts, uncles, cousins and my mom’s friends who are like family. I couldn’t eat. It was all my favorite food and my plate was full of food from the beginning of dinner to the end of dinner. I just had a sudden revelation of my life. I’m not happy and none of these people that are surrounding me don’t know how I feel. They won’t understand and they never will unless they actually take the time to understand depression.

I have to either keep a blank face or act like everything is okay (the hardest thing I ever have to do and I do this everyday).

All I wanted to do was just talk to my cousins next to me and just say, “I’ve been struggling alot lately and I’m in so much pain. I don’t know what to do anymore”. And in my wildest dreams, I wish they would say “I’m here for you” (and hope that they mean it).

I can’t. Because I have tried before. From my experience, the more you talk about depression, the further away people stay away. I’ll talk about it more later, but I’m pretty sure that I’ve talked about it before.

At some point during dinner, surrounded by family. I thought I can’t do this anymore. 

I haven’t felt like myself and the more that I feel like I lost parts of myself…the more I just give up.

Then at the end of dinner, my niece comes around from playing at a different table. And just holds my hand. No reason and I was just standing there saying hi to her. That sweet little hand holding mine just reminded me why I stayed alive.

Ever since she was born, she has no idea how much she has saved my life without even knowing it. She means the world to me…she is probably the only thing in my life that puts a little smile on my face. I haven’t even told her mother that.

After that drive home of crying, I went to my room, opened my computer and started to look for therapists.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just felt like it had to be shared.

I want to share most of these moments. Hoping that all these words from these posts can relate to someone and hopefully can help them.

 

-Mel

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