Today hit me hard from the moment I woke up.

I have written about 5 blog posts in the past 2 weeks. Those blog posts are just sitting in the draft pile waiting to be picked up and finished.

I can’t seem to finish those words because my thoughts can’t stay still.

I just had a 3-day weekend of being productive and motivated. I achieved so many small goals of mine. Most of all, starting to build myself up again.

Then BAM!

Today hit me hard from the moment I woke up.

Getting a text to borrow money. Was late getting out the door, then my garage decides to be a jerk and not close with the remote. I was already running late and then I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to close the garage. Then after figuring it out, I ran into traffic down the street just to get on the freeway. I was so close to not being able to grab coffee on the way to work (which I desperately needed).

At work, somehow my productivity and motivation seemed to diminish. I don’t know what’s going on with my self-esteem at work, but it somehow stays in the car while I’m at work. It might be the people, it might be the job itself…but I am so awkward and have so much anxiety being here. And I’ve been here for almost a year.

I’m sitting in my car on my lunch (pretty much everyday). And I just feel uneasy and feel as if I could just drive this car off the cliff in front of me.

I can’t do this anymore. It’s been a year now and I just give up.

What do I do? What can I do? How can I feel like myself again?

Because what I’m doing, obviously is not working. And all these blog posts seem to be talking about the same thing lately.

Because I don’t know.

There’s one major thing standing in my way from achieving the life that I want and that is money.

I’m stuck in a job that doesn’t make me happy . But  I need health benefits and I need money to achieve those goals that I want to achieve.

And I’m constantly helping my family financially. It stresses me out, but at the same time we need water, electricity, etc. And my brother has worked so hard in pharmacy school that he needs help in these last few months of school.

I’m just trying to help everyone out. And I want to help.

I’m just not happy with my life.

If I ever needed a sign to help motivate me to stay, it’s right now.
-Mel

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