I wanted to drive off a cliff today.

Every situation that increase my anxiety causes more situations that further increase my anxiety.

Today was rough. It’s already rough being this dumb holiday. It has never bothered me this much in 5 years. I don’t know why it bothered me so much today.

Then situations at work that cause stress and children (students) that add frustration to that stress made me just want to walk out and never come back. Then hunger and irritability add to the mix. And then you’re stuck in traffic before you even get on the freeway.

I wanted to drive off a cliff today. I was driving. I looked to my right and saw a steep cliff. One quick turn of the wheel and BAM. DONE.

Nope. I just kept driving.

I’m exhausted.

Mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.

I’m done.

I’m done with my job that I’m not happy with and brings me more anxiety than any other job that I had in my life.

I’m done with this daily routine that my life has evolved to. It’s the same thing. Every week. Every day. Every moment. My life has become so routine that when the routine is just a tiny bit off the routine, my anxiety kicks in because I have become so accustomed to this routine.

I’m done with trying. Trying to be happy or even okay. Trying to put a smile or little smirk on my face.  Trying to be okay with how my life is going. It kills me to pretend to be okay.

I’m done with wanting to cry, but not being able to. Especially at this moment.

I’m done.

It’s the same. I’ve been writing about this for over a year now. I’m sorry for all this repetitiveness. But nothing has changed and I’ve felt this way for over a year now.

One of these days, I will write a post that finally relieves my anxiety and answers all my questions.

I just don’t know when that day is.

 

-Mel

2 Comments

  1. don’t apologise for having a bad day. they tend to happen. sometimes its just oneday, sometimes it is aday. you didnt drive of the cliff. that may not feel like a victory but it really is. don’t beat yourslef up about not being okay. sometimes you just have to feel the bad felling and let it pass, fighting it makes it harder to control. let to day suck. then wake up and see what tommorow brings. you just have to keep waking waking up and trying again. healing always takes longer then it did to break. ITS OKAY NOT BE OKAY. once you accept that it gets abit better and easier to get through , cause you start finding little victories in everyday. your victory was not driving of the cliff, lol, that a massive victory if you ask me 🙂 . i wish ou well . and hope you find what you looking for, and you start feeling better . take your time with healing. anxiety need patience to control.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s