I used to have many nights like this. 

There are some nights like this where I just let my mind think & when it’s time for my body to sleep, it’ll sleep.

I have work tomorrow & I know I should start “forcing” myself to fall asleep.

But I’m just so overwhelmed with everything going on, that I just want to lay down and not make my mind and body do something that it’s not ready for yet.

I used to have many nights like this. 

When I used to have really bad insomniac nights, I would try everything imaginable to help me fall asleep. But I couldn’t. Then one night, I just gave up and just stayed awake until my mind and body were too exhausted and then naturally fall asleep. At one point when insomnia became part of my daily life, I would sleep at 5 AM every night(morning). That was every night for 6 months straight. 

Some people fall asleep naturally when they hit their bed or moments later. My body doesn’t fall asleep naturally. On nights where I have work the next day, I have to put YouTube videos that I’ve watched many times on a playlist to distract my mind so it can fall asleep.

On those insomniac nights of 5am bedtimes, I would just lay on the floor or on a different area on my bed in the complete darkness (I can’t sleep in complete darkness) with music on. Music that doesn’t make me daydream, just background music. And I would just live in the moment. Those moments I would just remember that I’m living. 

In my previous house, I had an amazing balcony. And on those insomniac nights, I would just sit out on the balcony. No music. No phone. Nothing. And just breathe. Breathe in the fresh, crisp chilly air. I would listen to the wind or the cars driving by, dogs barking or crickets. Those were my favorite moments especially in times of deep depression. I was able to breathe. 

I kind of miss those insomniac nights of 5am bedtimes. Just being able to let my mind slowly but surely rest. And just breathe. Not worrying about having to wake up a certain time. And pushing my problems away for a moment.

-Mel 

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