I ruined it.

There is currently a dinner/ gathering/an event where family and food take place in my house and I’m hiding away in my room.

I have anxiety and these past 3-5 weeks, anxiety has been taking over my entire life.

It’s been taking over my physical side in which it’s been giving me headaches, making me exhausted but not being able to sleep, dry mouth and making my heart beat fast or irregularly.

It’s been taking over my emotional side in which I am very anxious. But my anxiety can either lead to being sad and quiet or angry and vocal (just a little bit vocal than quiet).

It’s been taking over my mental side in which my mind is messed up. It is constantly worrying about every single thing in life. It even gets worried about the thoughts my mind makes.  My mind is constantly bouncing from worry to worry. It scares me that I can’t even trust my mind.

Anxiety has taken over my social life, I don’t even have one but it affects it. No one texts me anymore and no one asks to hang out anymore. And it’s due to the fact that I don’t answer. Because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to risk having to hold in my panic attacks and go somewhere where I can’t easily escape. But I don’t want to lie and say I have to do something, when I don’t really have anything to do. So I don’t answer.

And from not answering, they just stop. And I understand.  But when you see them in person and they are obviously not talking to you, that’s when it gets you. Then you overhear them talking about plans with someone else, and that’s when you lose it and you hide in your room.

I ruined it.

You can’t make people care about you.

I always had this movie-like daydream that when you don’t answer or have answers that aren’t really enthusiastic that people will call you right away and ask you how you are. Then they come to your house and sit on your bed and they listen.

That doesn’t happen.

If someone is happy with their life, why would they want to spend their time with someone who is depressed and bring their mood down.

I get it. But it hurts.

-Mel

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