I can’t trust my mind.

I just spent the last hour and a half checking and re-checking if both garage doors were closed. I do this every night before bed. I check everything in the house for about 15 mins in the morning before leaving for work.

I know it’s closed but my mind makes up many stories in my head of: the garage door being open and thieves are going to go inside and steal my car and then try to open the door and set off the alarm.. (and it goes on).

This is me, this is a real thing. And whatever medical description this fits, this is a daily struggle for myself and most likely for others.

I’ve been thinking about this for about a month now, “I can’t trust my mind”, that I couldn’t find the words to it.

My mind has been a jumble of: thoughts, to-do lists, worries, anxious thoughts (my mind is mostly filled with this),  past memories good and bad, the events that happened today, the events that happened the past week or even years ago and it mostly contains the reoccurring thought that I want to feel like myself again.

With all this going on in my head, it’s hard to distinguish between reality and my mind messing with me.

I have constant worries and when I say constant, I mean every action that I do…I worry about. And sometimes I spend too much time on one worry that I don’t pay attention on what is currently happening and I question if I did this or that. Then it leads to more worries.

This most likely comes from the fact that I HATE making mistakes. Ever since I was little and if someone said in the nicest way that I was doing something wrong, I would feel extremely bad. And I wouldn’t want to make that mistake anymore. I am always afraid of forgetting to do something or do something wrong that it will negatively affect myself or others. And that’s why I start to worry and then it leads to these thoughts.

When I first started working at age 17 (about 10 years ago) and it was my first time closing the bakery, I was the last one to finish closing my area.  I had people helping me because they were finished with their areas and most likely wanted to go home. I hated that feeling of having people wait for me and from then on (for that 7 years that I worked there), I NEVER wanted to be the last one to close. I worked hard to close the areas quickly but efficiently every night so people didn’t have to wait for me.

This wasn’t any mistake but it affected other people and I felt really bad.  Even though to others, it’s not a big deal

I worry about these types of things, I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just how I am.

With the whole garage thing my mind thinks: “what’s that noise? Someone is in the garage, I forgot to close the garage, this person is going to take my car and my mom’s car and then try to break into the house. IT’S GOING TO BE MY FAULT”.

But in reality, the garage is closed and the cars are going to be okay and I’m going to be okay. My mind doesn’t go to reality as quickly as I want it to be.

Working with kids, I am constantly  worried about them. The other day it popped into my head, “how am I going to be when I start having my own kids”. It increased my anxiety because I know that I will be concerned about them all the time.

I want to be able to trust my mind when this time comes around.

I want my mind to relax, I want to relax without any anxieties. I feel like my facial expression is always concerned and stiff because of all these worries keep bouncing in my mind. I don’t remember the last time my body felt relaxed.

I want to trust my mind.

-Mel

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