How did you do it?

To my 15 year old self, to my 19 year old self, to my 22 year old self:

How did you go through it? How did you manage to get through it? Through rock bottom and still live.It seems like a blur to me now.

How did you not fucking just end things?

Oh because you did it for your family.

But.

I don’t know how I managed to get through that?

And this feeling feels familiar. I hate this feeling.

This feeling of not being able to connect what I want in my life with my current life.

The feeling of being in rock bottom.

This feeling hurts more than any physical pain that I’ve felt before.

I can’t seem to picture a future for me. It scares me.

& I don’t know.

I’m just so unhappy with my life.

And I just feel so pathetic because I’m stuck here.

Hearing a friend say “Oh you can invite your family or your brother” to her wedding, so I won’t be “alone”. My life is so pathetic/ so sad to have someone say that to me.

But I am alone.

I’m alone in my house with my parents and my brother (temporary).

I’m alone at work with my 20 something amount of co-workers.

I’m alone with my family (cousins, aunts, uncles) all 30 something of them.

I’m alone with my only friend I have.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I can’t.

 

-Mel

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