To my 15 year old self, to my 19 year old self, to my 22 year old self:
How did you go through it? How did you manage to get through it? Through rock bottom and still live.It seems like a blur to me now.
How did you not fucking just end things?
Oh because you did it for your family.
I don’t know how I managed to get through that?
And this feeling feels familiar. I hate this feeling.
This feeling of not being able to connect what I want in my life with my current life.
The feeling of being in rock bottom.
This feeling hurts more than any physical pain that I’ve felt before.
I can’t seem to picture a future for me. It scares me.
& I don’t know.
I’m just so unhappy with my life.
And I just feel so pathetic because I’m stuck here.
Hearing a friend say “Oh you can invite your family or your brother” to her wedding, so I won’t be “alone”. My life is so pathetic/ so sad to have someone say that to me.
But I am alone.
I’m alone in my house with my parents and my brother (temporary).
I’m alone at work with my 20 something amount of co-workers.
I’m alone with my family (cousins, aunts, uncles) all 30 something of them.
I’m alone with my only friend I have.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to do this anymore.