A Sequence of Negative Thoughts

Yesterday or should I say this week has been exhausting, overwhelming and filled with anxiety.

On my drive home from work yesterday, my mind went from:                                                    “I left my blueberry muffin in my classroom and the ants or maybe mice will get it and I will find creatures in my classroom”

to

“I have no one that cares about me, no one calls, no one asks to see if I’m okay”

to

“Why did I stay alive?”

All in that 35 minute drive home.

Part I.

For the first part, I had my reality mind tell my depressed mind to stop thinking about it once I get home. Because there’s nothing I could do and I have to wait till Monday to deal with it.

The second and third part, my reality mind didn’t know what to say…. 

Part II.

You would think that if you opened yourself to someone about your depression and how you wanted to kill yourself, that they would be a supportive friend or cousin or whatever.

Nope. They stay away from you as if you had some disease that they didn’t want to catch. 

I feel as if I don’t know those people anymore. They don’t text anymore to hang out or at least say hi. And it feels awkward whenever I’m around them.

It’s very hard to accept that you don’t have any friends. 

Part III.

This part made me cry on that drive home.

This week was hard. It was exhausting and it was too overwhelming.

Was it worth it? Did I stay alive to experience this? Because if so, then WHY DID I STAY ALIVE?

Is it better to stay alive to experience this emotional pain with no support or just to end the pain altogether.

I already made the decision a long time ago that I would not kill myself.

But the question of: “why did I stay alive?” is always in my mind.

 

-Mel

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