Pain (Mental + Emotional+ Physical)

I don’t cut myself.

There are rare times like 5 mins ago that I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I scratch my arms really hard that it leaves a mark. 

I do that because I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I need to feel the physical pain with it.

Why ? If I’m in so much pain then why, would you want to physically hurt yourself? 

I don’t know why.  

It’s probably the same feeling as the people who cut their arms.

I’ve heard different “theories” . People cut their arms so they don’t kill themselves. Or cutting is just a step to killing themselves.

I don’t know why.

All I know and understand is this pain. 

This emotional and mental pain that I’m currently feeling is strong. It overtakes my mind and my body. 

Too many things are just hitting me and I’m currently past a point of being overwhelmed and exhausted. I got tired of holding it in, so I just started crying and getting anxiety attack and just looked at my arms and started scratching it.

It was one of those moments where you don’t think, you just do it. It’s something that just happened. It’s something that’s not good, but it felt good.

BUT, two seconds passed and I looked at my arms with the red lines and just cried because I realized what I just did. 

The red lines stayed. It’s still there. 

It’s just a visible representation of my current pain.

On a side note, I’m okay (kinda) right now.

I’m eating and have calmed down.

I’m not going to hurt myself more than scratching my arms.

I just want everyone to know that this pain is real and this happens to people.

-Mel 

1 Comment

  1. I can very much relate to this. I’ve never cut myself but I have a habit of digging my nails into my skin whenever I’m overwhelmed by stress or pain or anger or self-hatred. I used to scratch when I was younger, but now I just dig in. I don’t really understand it fully either but I know it somehow is a coping mechanism I use, otherwise I feel like I would explode. So I’m learning to find healthier coping mechanisms. Drawing helps. Sometimes music. Writing. Another thing I learnt is that part of the reason I do it is because it expresses how I feel on the inside. And there’s satisfaction in that. So I’m learning to be more open about how I feel and to express how I feel, knowing that it’s okay to feel this way. Thoughts are with you. Feel free to chat or express yourself anytime with me and on your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

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