What if I can’t save myself?

This question popped into my head at the time I wrote my last post.

I  pushed it aside, but it popped in my head again today.

I always view my depression and anxiety as two minds:

  1. My depressive mind: is the place where all my: worries, negative thoughts and anxiety are stored. They come out of storage when my depression and anxiety get the best of me. This mind makes me think the worst of things. When this mind is active, I get panic attacks and feel like shit. This mind comes with: crying, shortness of breath and telling myself over and over “I can’t do this anymore”.
  2. My reality mind: this mind basically assures my depressive mind that everything will be okay. This mind tells the other mind to accept life. It tells my other mind that you cannot change people and circumstances that occur. This mind tells me to take a break, shake up my routine, go for a drive to calm down and that tomorrow is another day.

My reality mind has saved my depressive mind from hurting myself or ending my life so many times. 

So…I save myself from myself. 

But what if my reality mind can’t save my depressive mind.

What happens when that day comes that I’m pushed over the edge and my reality mind can’t help my depressive mind.

And the thing is…I’m tired of saving myself.

It’s hard to convince yourself that everything will be okay.

Because sometimes it’s not.

It’s not okay.

-Mel

2 Comments

  1. first off, im really glad i found this wordpress, because i relate so much. i know its weird being online and anonymous, but it makes me feel less alone and i hope i can do the same for you.

    second, i totally agree with you about the fear of “not being able to save yourself”

    for me, this goes back to the black hole of depression. you feel depressed and anxious and want to retreat–from people, from reality. at least that’s how i feel. but 4/5 times when i retreat, i still feel like shit and feel even more isolated. which separates me even more from my “reality mind” and pulls me closer to my “depressed mind.”

    i dont wanna preach to you about what’s worked for me, but i do wanna encourage you to not be so hard on yourself and think you have to do it all. being around people i’m comfortable with has always helped. and your mind is so much stronger than you realize. its a bitch to battle this everyday, but we just gotta celebrate the little things.

    hang in there because like you said, tomorrow is another day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I really needed someone to tell me this. It’s hard not having anyone to support me. But I’m glad that I’ve found a place where people understand what I’m going through.

      Like

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