Work is chaotic as always.
I’ve said this so many times in these blogs, but I can’t catch a break at work. (I’m tired and if this post doesn’t make sense, sorry).
I’m overworked, I’m overwhelmed and I’m over it.
Just give me a chance to breathe.
I feel so behind on my work. I feel like I keep on forgetting things every single day.
I can’t focus on one thing. I literally go from one thing to another. Then I remember that I didn’t finish the first thing and then I forget about the second thing. Then I just feel like shit to be honest.
I don’t feel motivated to do anything.
This one memory came into my mind today.
Before one of my rock bottom phases of my life…
This was during my first year of college and I was really depressed.
This was after my ex broke up with me or should I say left me for another girl..
I would always skip class. Not because I didn’t want to go to class or took it off to do work.
I would skip class to go home and cry. I would go home and curl up into a ball in my bathroom and just cry.
This particular moment, I remember skipping my Spanish class.
I just couldn’t go. Mentally, emotionally and physically….I couldn’t go.
I texted my classmate that I was sick. I emailed my professor that I caught a cold. I wish I could just tell them I was depressed and couldn’t make it to class that day.
I was in such a deep depression that I didn’t care what would happen if I skipped class. It was a class where they actually took attendance and counted it in the grade. But I didn’t think about it, all I thought about was going home to cry.
My grades suffered during that time. I couldn’t concentrate and I felt behind in all my work.
That was the start of a dark phase in my life.
I didn’t care about my classes. I had to leave that University because my financial aid was dropped because my parents had a “good” salary that I didn’t qualify for it. We had moved out of our dream home because with that “good” salary, we actually couldn’t afford that home anymore. We had to downsize. Then that whole ex situation added to it. Then it just lead to a series of bad things…
And I didn’t eat. I couldn’t. I was too depressed to eat. My mind was filled with so many thoughts and worries that it couldn’t process that my body needed food.
I lost a lot of weight. Keep in mind, I’m already petite. I’m about 102 pounds currently, which is a normal weight for my height. But since I didn’t eat during that time, I went from 98 lbs to 86 lbs. I was way too underweight.
That’s when my insomnia started. I couldn’t go to sleep. I did everything I could. I would sleep on the floor because I thought it would stop my mind to let me sleep. Or I would just sleep at 5am when the sun was beginning to rise.
And I felt lost during that time.
I feel like that right now.
I want to skip work to go home and cry. I wish I could just tell them I need a mental day off . I can’t concentrate because I’m so overwhelmed. I couldn’t eat my lunch today. I ate half of my sandwich and my string cheese. I wasn’t hungry. I find it harder to fall asleep every day. During my break, I just went to the bathroom and cried. I cried in my classroom.
I’m so lost.