Panic attacks & cars.
Are two things that should not be in the same sentence.
I had a full on panic attack in my car today.
[DURING]: I honestly don’t remember that car ride.
For those who have not experienced a panic attack before:
It kind of feels like you’re dying. Because you are crying so much that you feel like you can’t breathe. It’s the kind of crying where your whole body shakes. Your heart is pounding fast and you cannot focus on anything else besides the physical pain that you are feeling.
Yes. This is a dangerous thing to have while driving on the freeway.
And trust me, I tried my best to be safe.
But it just happened.
No warning. Got into my car after work and drove for not even a minute and it just happened.
[BEFORE]: I don’t remember the drive, but I do remember the events leading up to the panic attack.
I have been experiencing a throbbing headache since Saturday, it is currently Wednesday. I contacted my doctor and she wants to evaluate me. I don’t typically get headaches, especially 5 days in a row and definitely not a throbbing headache.
The earliest appointment is on Friday (I was actually hoping I could at least get half a day off). I asked my boss today about it and I got the opposite of what I wanted. I couldn’t do the appointment on Friday, I have to do it on Monday at 8:40am and I have to come to work after the appointment.
Pardon my words, but most of this fucking headache is to due to this fucking job.
All the work I’ve done and all the shit they put me through. I can’t even get a fucking half day off and I don’t feel good. Are you kidding me?
Then I had to deal with work for the rest of the day. But that’s not it.
My full class according to ratio is supposed to be 24. I had 25 kids today.
& they were definitely not quiet and were not listening today. I couldn’t get any work done because of this headache.
I typically have kids leave around 3-4pm.
It was 4pm and I had 23 kids still. And I got my break an hour late than I usually do.
Then my co-teacher had to leave at 5. And I had 21 kids around 4:45.
The teacher who helped me after 5 had to leave at 5:15. I was down to 14, but still OVER ratio.
I had to move two kids to another classroom and by the time I had to change classrooms to the closing classroom, I had 10.
When I switched classrooms, I was still over ratio with 15.
By the time I was supposed to bring the kids to the office, I was down to 6 kids who are crazy and push each other AND DON’T LISTEN (especially to a teacher that is not their teacher).
All of this made my throbbing headache 10x worse.
And I can’t get help or answers about this headache until Monday. Thanks a lot work! I really appreciate it. I would of called in sick and made your job worse, but I was nice enough to set an appointment on a day that is convenient for you.
So that led to my panic attack.
And a trigger to panic attacks (at least mine) is when I have to hide my emotions.
When I really want to cry, but I can’t.
Holding it in makes me explode and it creates a panic attack.
[AFTER]: But if you didn’t know,
The feeling after a panic attack feels just as worse as a panic attack itself.
When I got home and stopped crying with my eyes red and puffy (if anyone asked, it was my allergies).
I felt nauseous. I still feel nauseous hours later.
I was hungry, but couldn’t eat. My stomach is growling for food, but at the same time it feels it can throw up that food.
I feel drained. No ounce of energy is left in me.
After dinner, I just went to bed and laid down.
My heart feels like it’s still trying to slow down from the panic attack.
I feel sleepy, but know I won’t be able to sleep anytime soon.
My body aches. Even inch of it.
And this headache, the headache that started it all, is in so much pain.
This is real.
This happens to people.
I want you to know this…because no one talks about this.
This is not fun.
& I hate it.