Something happened at work today and I was filled with anxiety because I was so confused on what was going on.
Today, I had two people ask about this one particular child.
Yesterday, I had that one particular child have a difficult time listening to me. (I close that classroom everyday at 5:30pm and he never listens to me…everyday). I was reading a story, I asked him many times to be quiet. After the fourth or fifth time, I told him that if wouldn’t stop or listen to my words that I would bring him next door. He didn’t listen, so I carried him next door. I did explain to his dad that I had to bring him next door because he wasn’t listening. His dad was understanding and had his son apologize to me.
However, today his teacher asked me what happened yesterday and if there was any pushing involved. Then later in the day, my assistant principal asked “What happened yesterday between 5:30-6 with _______” I told her what happened (sent child next door for not listening). And she too asked if there was any pushing.
So that made me become anxious.
I talked to my co-teacher about it. And she was confused about the whole situation like myself. She did reassure me. She said that if they felt like I hurt their child in any way, then my assistant principal would talk to me privately (My assistant principal talked to me in my room casually). Also, she said that I’m a good teacher and I have carried children to another classroom before in a safe way that is not inappropriate and wouldn’t hurt them. Also, the other teacher was there when it happened and would be able to say what happened.
It gave me reassurance, but I still had that uneasy feeling in me. I cried at work.
I was driving home. I was supposed to go to a family dinner but I told my mom that I was tired and wanted to go home.
I didn’t go home. I cried. I had an anxiety attack.
All I thought about was that I’m going to get fired. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it, overanalyzing it and overthinking everything.
I kept on thinking about suicidal thoughts and kept on thinking “I should of killed myself when I was teenager”. It was getting bad.
I made a detour and went to my old neighborhood.
It’s a place where I feel at peace and feel safe.
I needed to talk to someone quick.
About a month ago, I watched this video about the Crisis Text Line. It wasn’t a suicide line, but if you were going through a crisis and needed to talk, they were there for you.
So while sitting in the park of my old neighborhood, I texted “HOME” to 741-741.
I walked around the little park near my old house and around the neighborhood and the crisis counselor Emily talked to me. I explained to her what happened.
Her responses were what I needed “I can see why you’d have anxiety about that” and “It’s understandable that you’d be worried. I am wondering what part of it is giving you the anxiety, what are you worried is going to happen?”
I always wanted someone to talk to me like this.
Because she addressed my anxiety and why I felt anxious.
She didn’t say, oh you’re fine, you didn’t do anything wrong.
She wanted to know the reasons for feeling anxious about the situation. That’s what I needed.
I got reassurance from my co-teacher, but I needed to talk about my anxiety from this situation.
She also gave me reassurance and it didn’t sound like she was just saying things to make me feel better. She actually listened/read what I said and was able to provide logical reasons to why I shouldn’t worry about this.
I was still feeling a bit uneasy about it and went to talk about more anxiety feelings about the situation.
She asked how long I’ve worked there. She said again that she thinks I didn’t do anything work. She also said ( similar to what my co-teacher said) that if they think I was inappropriate with a child, they would have a pending investigation on me.
Still feeling a bit uneasy, I told her that I’m worried that I’ll come to work on Tuesday and they’re going to bring to the office to talk about it, because my boss wasn’t there.
She asked me, “Do you think you did something wrong? Do you think you should have handled it differently?” I had to think about it for a moment and said that I don’t think I did anything wrong.
Her response eased my anxiety, “I think you’re going to be just fine. It sounds like you handled everything appropriately”.
That last reassurance was the moment I felt that I could breathe again.
We ended the conversation on how to spend weekend and ways to stop thinking about it.
My view when the conversation ended was this:
I felt at peace.
I drove off feeling:
- hungry (because I didn’t eat lunch and all the crying and anxiety attacks made me feel weak)
- a little stressed because I was worried my parents would go home before I did and wonder why I wasn’t home, because I said I was tired
So I decided that I needed a treat. I had been craving Chipotle lately, so I went there and splurged with Guacamole in my bowl and a soda.
While driving home, I thought about the situation again. But I quickly stopped my mind and talked to myself.
I told myself the reasons that I shouldn’t worry.
Then I paused, took a deep breath and told myself “If something does happen and you get fired or any other bad thing happens…..Breathe. Accept it. Learn from your mistakes and Move On”
Then those thoughts stopped.
I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
(I just thought about the situation again after typing that and told myself to stop).
I feel better and less anxious after texting Emily, the crisis counselor. I’m so thankful for her and the whole Crisis Text Line.
After watching Youtube videos about it, I knew that one day it would be helpful for me.
Today was that day.
I knew when I was crying and driving on the freeway, that I didn’t want to spend my 3- day weekend thinking about this.
And I needed to talk to someone who understands and I texted 741-741.
She knew how to respond and the questions to ask. She didn’t say things just to make me feel better. She looked at my situation and said her opinions on it and THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER.
Again, she asked me questions about my anxiety. She understood that it would make me feel anxious. But she wanted to know particular reasons on why I was anxious about it and the different outcomes that I was worried about.
I am going to rest this weekend, but at the same time stay busy to stop thinking about it.
I’m going to tell my mind to stop when I think and analyze the situation.
If you are ever feeling anxious/depressed like this, text them.