I didn’t write yesterday. And I don’t feel like writing today because I’m exhausted.
But I did a lot of thinking yesterday (like always). Some resulting in tears.
I always see a pattern in my life.
Sometimes my depression mind thinks that I am an awful person that no one wants to be around.
People cancel plans with me or things change. My reality mind understands. Plans come up and things change. My depression mind thinks that person doesn’t care that I was looking forward to it and they just don’t like me anymore.
I have cried many times about plans that just don’t work out. It may seem stupid, but I don’t go out a lot. This has happened to me a lot since I was little. Friends forget or they have other plans and decide to cancel mine. Or plans have to be postponed, but days never work out and it just gets cancelled. I don’t have a lot of friends nowadays. And I get excited when plans come up, I will cancel everything else for that plan. It hurts when things don’t work out, because then I’ll be home again doing nothing.
I cancel plans or decline invitations a lot lately. My reality mind knows that my depression and anxiety mind won’t be able to handle it, so it’s better not to go. My depression mind knows that I don’t want to pretend to be happy, so I’ll just be in the corner sitting quietly on my phone playing games. So why go? They won’t care that I’m not there.
Like my depression mind tells me, who would want to hang out with you when you’re just going to ruin their day.
I have heard many times to go out, enjoy life, blah blah blah.
It hasn’t been easy.
I get anxious going out somewhere. My depressed mind is rapidly going back and forth to what people think of me. If they whisper, they’re obviously talking about me says my depressed mind. If I say something, they’re going to judge me. If I walk away, they’re gonna say something again.
I am by myself a lot. And I had to learn how to be comfortable of the idea of being by myself. I go to Panera or a coffee place on the weekend just to get away from the house. I’ll go to Target or Michaels just to move around and stay out of bed even when I don’t need anything from there. I’m okay with being alone because that’s how my life is.
I don’t know. I’m tired.
(Hey Mel, reminder to self. write about your mind tomorrow or Saturday)