Pure sadness.

I cried last night. I have been so numb and emotionless for the past couple of weeks.

But…

It wasn’t a familiar cry. 

Lately, my crying has been a result of a panic attack or being too overwhelmed.

This cry wasn’t like that.

I wasn’t hyperventilating and my heart wasn’t beating fast when I was crying. 

All I thought about before I cried was, “I am not happy, I’m not where I want to be in life. I failed”.

It was very quiet when I cried and as more tears came out, I knew that this is something different. 

It was pure sadness. 

I could feel that this is something deep more than any depression or anxiety episodes that I have experienced.

I could feel the pain.

I can still feel it.

I don’t know what to do.

-Mel 

3 Comments

  1. I know that feeling. And I know this may not sound helpful, but you need to have the conversation that hurts. The one where you honestly say to yourself what you want and need. Even if it makes you feel selfish, or it gives you that feeling of nervousness or you cry more, or the bad thoughts of I’m not good enough surface. Just lean into it, continue the conversation. Continue being clear with yourself about what feels good and right for your life. Ignore the what ifs and maybes and just have the conversation. Your life is not over or stuck. And the depression and anxiety they are difficult challenge yes, but they don’t have to be the thing that defines your life. you just need to hear inner self again . And when you have the conversation and the sad cry, it may not feel like it. But you get closer to the answer of how to get where you want to be. Just forget the back story of what you used to want or where you wanted to be. It no longer matters. You aren’t that person any more. Irrespective of the reason. You are someone new, with this whole amazing life ahead of you and all this strength from all the little victories you’ve over come. Maybe this new you wants something else. Figure out what that is. THE PAST DOESN’T MATTER. You can start where you are. you will be okay. It takes a bit of tears and time. But you will be okay.
    Just have the conversation. The pain is a message.

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  2. Hugs. Feeling like a failure sucks, but be gentle on yourself (if you can. Easier said than done, I know.) There’s too much in life that isn’t under our control to hold ourselves to rigid timetables. All we can ever do is the best we can at the time – and even then a lot of variables will still be out of our hands.

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  3. xo I’ve been there. It’s happened in three middle of a work day, at my home, and even in the grocery store. Know what though? Your body is trying to tell you that it wants to release something. If you can’t put your finger on it, just let go and have that good cry. Sometimes it starts to feel good if you’re not trying to fight it or focusing on the scary feelings. Let your body release the pent up stress, and focus on the moment. Set aside the past and the future and just enjoy the feelings of release that can come when you just cry. It will pass.

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