I Don’t Talk.

It’s funny how one small sentence someone says or one thought…

can lead to another thought and another…

and all of a sudden I am completely devastated about my life and myself.

Oh man.

When I thought that my life couldn’t get any more chaotic, this week happened.

I’m pretty sure I stated in my last post on all the things I needed to this month and next month. To summarize: Friend’s Wedding + Co-Worker’s Wedding (leaving for a week) + Portfolios + Graduation and life in between all of those.

Things happen and people need to leave work.

I understand the situation, I understand when they need days off to take care of things.

After my co-worker had an unexpected day off in the midst of all the work we have to do. She talks about how she wants to leave earlier the next day, when she already had planned to work a half-day.  And she is taking a week off (in 2 weeks).

History repeats itself…

I had flashbacks to last year when my former co-worker kept on taking days off around the same time of year. She was taking advantage of her sick time before she quit at the end of the school year. We were slammed and behind on everything. And without her there, I was left with all the work, everything. I was beyond stressed and beyond exhausted.

And for my current co-worker to complain, “They should just let me off earlier” lead to a thought.

I completely understand her situation and why she had to take that one day off.

But, she doesn’t understand what is going on in my life too.

I kept on thinking about this during work today.

Well she doesn’t know what’s going on in my life because I don’t really share what’s going on in my life.

I don’t tell her that I have anxiety and major depressive disorder. I don’t tell her that I get panic attacks or anxiety attacks. And I don’t tell her that if I have a really bad panic attack, I am drained the next day. I don’t tell her that I wanted to end my life before I was 18. I don’t tell her I have suicidal thoughts once in awhile. I don’t tell her I promised myself not to follow through with those suicidal thoughts. I don’t tell her that I worry all the time and I need reassurance so I can feel better.

I don’t tell her any of this.

With everything that’s going on with weddings, work, etc. + the status of my mental health. Her one statement of “They should let me off earlier” made me want to cry.

I can’t take a day off for my mental health. I can’t take a day off if I’m feeling anxious or when I had a panic attack.

And it led to another thought of why I don’t tell anyone about my mental health as much anymore.

And I complain and talk about this a lot.

Is because most of the time, they don’t talk to you anymore after you reveal your mental health. 

I can’t count the amount of times that people have said “if you need someone to talk to, text me”. But when I am at the lowest point in my life and need someone to talk to, I get advice that isn’t helpful or they put the blame on me. Or I get the “I see”. Or worst of all, they don’t talk to you…for months.

I recently got a text from a relative that I used to be really close with. But now we drifted apart and I barely talk to her. When I first started posting about mental health on social media. She was “concerned” and said what everyone says “if you need someone to talk to, let me know”. Lies.  Anyways, I’ve been posting about mental health for awareness since it’s Mental Health Awareness Month. She texted again and said she saw my posts and she was “concerned” about me.

The last time she texted me was January, it’s fucking May!

Where were you that one time I had a panic attack or when I was having a bad day and wanted to lay on the couch all day. So all of a sudden, you’re going to reach out to me. The last couple of times I saw her at family events, she barely talked to me as if we were strangers.

Just because I post about mental health doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m having a hard time at that moment. When I don’t post about anything, is the time that she should be concerned. Because I don’t talk about my current problems to anyone. I don’t really share that I have a panic attack and how minutes later I have to wipe away my tears, so no one knows that I experienced a panic attack.

I don’t talk.

It’s hard for anyone that doesn’t have to struggle with their mental health to understand how we feel. But if they can have an open mind without their own opinions and no stigma. Then more people can feel better knowing that someone is there to help them. They will be able to communicate more and not hide how they feel and who they are.

Be careful what you say.

Be mindful of another’s situation.

You might not hear what is going on in someone’s life, you might not know that someone is struggling and fighting a battle in their minds. Just be kind, always.

-Mel

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