On May 19th.
I have been waiting/anxious for this day.
My best friend got married.
I am beyond excited for her and her new husband.
As much as I’m excited for her to get married, at the same time I was getting a lot of anxiety about that day.
I didn’t think that anxiety would hit me that hard that I had the step outside multiple times because I couldn’t stay in the venue.
I wasn’t anxious during the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner. The morning was good, was calm and not nervous. As soon as the cocktail hour started, everything else fell apart.
First of all, being in my late 20’s in a room with 80% of people my age, they had dates. I did not.
My friend invited my parents because we’ve been friends for over 10 years and we both know each other’s parents.
But it was super uncomfortable. I was in a table full of people my age + my parents.
So the anxiety started.
While waiting for the food, I started feeling the anxiety. So I asked my parents to drive me back to the hotel and get my car (so I can leave right after). Then I said that I needed to get something from the car. Then I said that I needed to go to the bathroom, I didn’t need to go. Then I just left and I did go to the bathroom. Then I left another time, then again.
Then I texted the Crisis Text Line.
I just needed to look at my phone and get someone to talk to.
I knew that I was going to feel like this during the wedding.
It happened. And with everything else that happened prior to this wedding (aka a car accident). I just need to breathe.
I am going to take the entire day tomorrow to breathe.
If I need to lay in bed all day to breathe, then I will. If I need to leave to get away, then I will.
I just needed to write this before the day ends. (Even though I’ve been awake since 5:30am)
Depression is hard.
Anxiety is hard.