The TWO things that make me happy.
Disney & Paramore.
Happiness is something so rare and so precious to me.
It’s not just being happy.
It’s pure and absolute joy.
It’s the ability to focus on what’s going on NOW, not thinking about the past or future.
It’s not having all these worried thoughts bouncing around my head.
It’s about crying, not for feeling sad, but for feeling happy.
It’s about feeling like myself.
There are two times this year where I have felt unbelievably happy.
And it’s been years since I’ve been this happy.
I used to be an annual pass holder and going to Disneyland was something so special to me and my best friend. I am not a pass holder anymore and I miss those times.
Naturally, my best friend had her bachelorette party there.
It was one of my dream Disney weekend with the most incredible, generous and caring individuals that I’ve ever met.
Every moment was incredible.
There was this one particular moment where I just cried from smiling so much.
That weekend was the first time I rode the Guardians of the Galaxy ride. I admit I wasn’t really into it because it replaced my favorite ride.
But I still wanted to ride it. I didn’t want any spoilers, I wanted to experience the ride without any background knowledge to be surprised.
From that first drop and the music came on…mann that was the greatest feeling.
That pure and absolute JOY.
I was in shock, then so happy and then cried.
It was probably due to the fact that I haven’t been that happy in years.
I didn’t think about anything else. I was living in that moment.
July (2 weeks ago). PARAMORE.
It had been long overdue for a Paramore concert.
I was supposed to go 4 days after graduation.
But depression hit me so hard that I couldn’t see them.
I needed that show.
Hayley said in the beginning of the show that all we need to worry about is” laughing, crying and dancing and overall having a good time”.
And that’s all I did for that night.
From their first song all the way to the last song.
Again, it was pure and absolute joy.
Again, I was living in the moment. I didn’t think about anything else.
All I did was sing along to my favorite songs, dance and enjoy the night with my best friend.
I have been a fan of Paramore since I was 15. I am 29 now.
It has been the greatest feeling growing up with them. Because they write songs that relate to what we are going through. Whether it’s about falling in love, breakups, friendships, depression, mental illness and growing up.
And hearing those songs live…
Wow. It means a lot to me.
Because there are certain songs that I listened to, during particular times in my life.
I listened to “Misguided Ghosts” a lot when I wanted to end my life. It wasn’t triggering anything. But those lyrics just knew exactly how I felt.
These past couple of months when depression hit me hard, I’ve been listening to “26” and letting myself cry. And that song allowed me to cry when I was holding it in. Because those lyrics felt like they were just taken out of my mind and my heart.
There are songs where I just danced, sang along and had the greatest time.
I needed that night. I needed that show. I needed those songs.
That show came during a time when I needed it.
With those two events, I felt like I was able to breathe.
I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe these past months or this whole year.
I feel like I’ve been so stressed, overwhelmed and filled with depression and anxiety that I can’t breathe or relax.
I did not feel like have to hold my breath worrying about the past or future.
I can’t go to Disneyland and a Paramore concert on a daily basis.
But I’m glad to know that for those few moments that I was happy.