I didn’t want to fight it tonight.
I was tired of fighting it.
If I kept on fighting it in this weak state, I’m in…it will get worse.
I didn’t want to think about anything else except my feelings and focusing on what’s going on in :my mind, my heart and my body. Letting myself fully absorb my feelings because ignoring it made me feel like shit all day.
Nothing else mattered at the moment.
I needed it to take over in order to cry. As weird as it sounds.
I’ve said this before but crying is a sense of relief because it lets go of all the emotions I’ve been keeping inside of me.
I let myself cry and get angry with myself. And cry and cry.
It took over 3 hours but I was finally able to calm my mind and my body.
I’m not sleepy yet but I’m not going to force it.
In my letter to myself, I told…myself that I want to wake up one day and just be satisfied with my life. Not be happy but satisfied. And just be in a perspective where you get it, you get why you went through all that shit in your life… because of this.
Happiness used to be the end goal. I wanted to fight depression and win happiness.
But as I have noticed, happiness (pure happiness) comes in rare moments.
We can’t be happy everyday. If you are happy everyday, good for you.
I want to be satisfied with my life and who I am. And if I have those rare moments of pure happiness comes along with it, then all the shit I’ve gone through will be worth it.
I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
Will depression creep up again? Will my anxiety increase?
I don’t know.
I guess we have to sleep now and wake up tomorrow to find out.
-Mel
