I let depression take over.

I didn’t want to fight it tonight.

I was tired of fighting it.

If I kept on fighting it in this weak state, I’m in…it will get worse.

I didn’t want to think about anything else except my feelings and focusing on what’s going on in :my mind, my heart and my body. Letting myself fully absorb my feelings because ignoring it made me feel like shit all day.

Nothing else mattered at the moment.

I needed it to take over in order to cry. As weird as it sounds.

I’ve said this before but crying is a sense of relief because it lets go of all the emotions I’ve been keeping inside of me.

I let myself cry and get angry with myself. And cry and cry.

It took over 3 hours but I was finally able to calm my mind and my body.

I’m not sleepy yet but I’m not going to force it.

In my letter to myself, I told…myself that I want to wake up one day and just be satisfied with my life. Not be happy but satisfied. And just be in a perspective where you get it, you get why you went through all that shit in your life… because of this.

Happiness used to be the end goal. I wanted to fight depression and win happiness.

But as I have noticed, happiness (pure happiness) comes in rare moments.

We can’t be happy everyday. If you are happy everyday, good for you.

I want to be satisfied with my life and who I am. And if I have those rare moments of pure happiness comes along with it, then all the shit I’ve gone through will be worth it.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Will depression creep up again? Will my anxiety increase?

I don’t know.

I guess we have to sleep now and wake up tomorrow to find out.

-Mel

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