Stay.

Hey.

I really wanted to write so many posts for Suicide Prevention Week.

But my week was full of stress and anxiety attacks, so it never happened.

It’s funny how it’s Suicide Prevention Week, but honestly I felt like getting away from here so badly this entire week.

This morning  I was helping my parents clean up the garage and I was going through all my storage containers that had a lot of things that I saved since I was younger.

And I found a small Hello Kitty journal.

I titled it, “My feelings journal”

and as I was reading it, I realized that it was around the time when I started to get depressed.

I wrote these entries at the end of eighth grade, I didn’t know it back then, but now I know that it was the time when my depression began.

And after reading it, I can understand why I started feeling depressed.

There are entries that say:

“Does everyone hate me? My friends are ignoring me.” (Keep in mind this was after my grandma passed away so I was already feeling really sad).

“I really need to get out of this town. Everyone is being so mean to me. I need to get out of here or else (u- know).”

And those thoughts: like everyone hates me and I need to get out of this town is still with me until this day.

Thinking about ending my life still crosses my mind every once in a while to be honest.

It happens when I feel like I hit rock bottom, like I’m stuck in this hole of my life and I can’t escape it.

It happens when I feel like my dreams of the future such as: getting married and having kids are just a dream and I don’t feel like it’s ever going to happen.

It happens when I take a step back and look at my life and I tell myself that I F*CKED it up. And that I have a pathetic life. And I feel like I can’t do anything about it.

It happens when you realize that no one is actually there for you.

It happens.

 

BUT I DON’T DO IT.

I STAY. 

As much as I hate how my life is going and that it would just be easier that I’m not here.   I stay.

I feel like I have mentioned my little “safety” word when I feel like my thoughts of ending my life start increasing.

 HAVEN. 

It’s my niece’s name. And the reason why it’s my safety word is because whenever I think of her name in the middle of my really bad thoughts, I start to cry.

I think about what would happen to her if I wasn’t here anymore.

I think about how my family would have to explain to her on why I’m not here anymore.

And all those really bad thoughts STOP. 

I love her so much.

And that’s one of the reasons that I stay.

Another reason is to spread awareness about mental health.

Another reason is my job of being a teacher.

As much as the thoughts of ending my life appear in my head, I have to remind myself that it really isn’t the answer to my problems.

 

If you are having a tough time.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I AM HERE FOR YOU.

We can get through this together.

 

Love,

Mel

 

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