I don’t fight for myself.

I know that I deserve better than whatever my life gives me, but I don’t fight for it.

I settle.

I don’t bicker, complain, whine, get furious or fight with my words…out loud.

It’s all in my head or in this blog. 

I am terrified of fighting for myself or defending myself. 

& my past experiences can confirm that.

Whenever I have a little ounce of courage and defend myself, people make me feel like sh*t all the time.

They know that I’m weak and use it to their advantage.

And I freeze. I don’t continue the fight, then I forfeit.

When someone blames me for something, when I know and they know that it wasn’t my fault. They somehow twist my words and facts to make it seem like it’s my fault (aka my past relationships). And my mind is f*cked up to the point where I think, it is my fault. 

So in situations, when I know that I’m not treated fairly, I don’t do anything or just leave.

I am currently working at a job, where my position got promoted. But my pay didn’t get promoted, furthermore, it is not equal to my co-worker.

I do half the work, but don’t get paid as much as her.

They treat her as if she is the lead teacher and give her credit for all the work, but we’re co-teachers.

It’s not fair. And I don’t do anything.

Because I’m terrified that they’ll twist some words and blame it on me.

From having depression & anxiety for almost half my life, I want you to understand (if you don’t have any mental health issues) that what you say or do to someone can just totally f*ck with their minds. 

I’m terrified to confront people due to what others have said and done to me. Because I don’t want that sh*tty feeling anymore.

And it’s probably easy to say that not everyone is the same and do those types of things. But I still have those words and actions from those past experiences replaying in my mind, when situations come up like this.

That’s why I’m afraid to be in a relationship, I am so scared that another boyfriend will start talking to another girl while we’re still together. Then break up with me saying that they want to be single, but instead they want to be with that other girl. Then they blame for the break up.

It’s messed up. What is even more f*cked up is that…it happened to me TWICE. 

Back-to-Back.

 

And why I’m opening up and talking about this right now…is because I’m trying to fight for myself.

I got offered a position at a job that I really like.

But when I got the offer, I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be.

Because I wasn’t satisfied with the pay they were offering. I think that from my experiences and my education, I should be paid at least a dollar more than they’re offering.

And I’m so scared to negotiate with them. But at the same time, I won’t be satisfied working there with what they are offering me.

So the WHAT IF’S begin. 

What if they don’t want to raise it up a dollar more and decide that they don’t want to offer me the job anymore?

What if I don’t say anything, I take the job with the unsatisfactory pay and it turns out that it wasn’t as great as I thought it would be?

Those two questions have been floating in my head all day.

I don’t know what will happen unless I do something. I need to do it because at this point in my life, I need something good.

That’s it. I just need something good in my life.

I don’t expect much. I just want to be satisfied with where I’m at and who I am.

I need to fight for who I am and what I deserve.

Wish me luck.

 

-Mel

 

 

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