When things are good…

I get scared. 

I will consistently say how horrible September was for me.

Things just kept getting worse and worse.

And when I had one ounce of positivity within me and around me, it was easily taken away by something stressful or frustrating.

Then my mind can’t really focus. I keep on second-guessing, worrying and just panicking about every little thing.

And last week in a moment of stress, things just started heading to a positive route.

I was skeptical.

I’m so used to things go from bad to stressful to frustrating to anxiety and panic attacks consistently.

But it’s rare when things go from less stressful to being able to breathe, not worrying and then end up being happy. Saturday was the happiest day.

I’m scared that it’ll go away.

I’m just at the edge of my seat just waiting for something bad to happen.

& that’s a horrible feeling.

The thought that something good and happy doesn’t last long is something that I am so familiar with. 

I am going to be cautious with everything. I kept on thinking this past week after something positive or good happened, that something bad is coming my way. Because there’s no way that all this good energy is coming my way all at once.

I don’t want to have this worry in the back of my mind every moment of every day.

But that’s how my life is.

Always anticipating the worst when the best happens. 

-Mel

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