I CAN’T FORGIVE THEM.

Last Christmas. 

I was in a different room away from my cousins and hundreds of other relatives on Christmas. 

I did try to be around my cousins. But as I stood near or next to them, the more I felt like I was unwanted. 

No one really talked to me or acknowledged that I was there. 

So I moved to a different room, but I really just wanted to go home. 

I had an anxiety attack without showing any emotion on my face and staying silent. When my mind was screaming and crying. 

I will never forget that Christmas and I’m already feeling anxious for this Christmas. 

It didn’t stop after that. There were more parties and dinners where I just immediately isolated myself because I knew it was going to happen already. 

Like relationships with friends, this was all due to posts about mental health. I opened up and spread awareness about mental health and the stigma around it. 

And instead of talking about it with me, the people in my life just isolate me, don’t talk to me and make me feel like I’m invisible. 

Between Summer and Fall , there wasn’t that many family get togethers. But there were so many cousin get togethers that I wasn’t aware of.

And one day, I just unfollowed/blocked them all from my instagram. 

I wrote a post about it. 

But the thing that upsets me is that my cousins just started talking to me. And just started to include me in group chats and inviting me to the movies. 

From June to October, I didn’t hear anything from them. 

But now. I don’t get it.

I’m not ready. I’m not ready to “hang out” with them. 

I’m not ready to start full conversations with them. 

I’m not ready.

All that time when they isolated me and didn’t talk to me. That horrible Christmas last year.

I am not ready to forgive them.

They have no idea how much they hurt me.

& I can’t pretend that I’m okay when they hurt me.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas with them.

-Mel

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