In that moment, I was just going to completely give up on everything.

Day 2 of the New Year and I am already convinced that this year will not be better than last year.

It all started before 1:30am when I woke myself up from a nightmare. I had a nightmare that I was trapped in an escape house. Not an escape room but a house. And it was filled with scary little children and stuff from scary movies that I haven’t watched nor will watch ever.

Then of course, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I didn’t force myself to sleep. So I watched Youtube vlogs, played games on my phone, ate some snacks. And finally fell asleep again around 4:30am.

Then I had another dream. I dreamt that I came back to work and back to my classroom. And parents were crying because the office had moved their kids to a different classroom without their consent. This was due to moving more new kids to my already full classroom. Even in my dream, I was saying “this doesn’t even make sense”.

Then my alarm went off at 6:05am, then 6:08, then 6:12 and so on until I finally woke up and got up minutes before 7.

So I’m pretty sure I had 4-5 hours of sleep. Maybe less because of those dreams.

So already a bad start to a bad day.

I went to work half asleep not looking forward to the day. (Short story: I left work the Friday before the holidays crying and having a panic attack.) So I was already, not ready to go back to work.

I walked into my classroom and could sense a weird vibe coming from my co-teacher. She was talking to one of our parents, so I didn’t say hi right away. As I was clocking in, she told the sub “Oh you can go, I think she’s clocked in”. Then when it just became really weird and uncomfortable. She didn’t utter a word to me. She didn’t acknowledge that I was there. She was trying to be in areas away from me. And already feeling shitty about myself, this made it worse.

It’s probably due to the fact that I couldn’t answer her as I was leaving on Friday crying with a panic attack. I couldn’t talk because I would just sit there trying to relieve myself from the panic attack. And it took me hours to calm myself down. And it might have seemed rude that I just left and didn’t tell her that I wasn’t okay.

But I was expressing my raw and true emotions. And I rarely do that. And her ignoring me the entire day just because I expressed my emotions makes me feel more worthless.

It’s been so hard these past couple of weeks. And I just didn’t need this.

So after a hard day of work. (Oh and I have barely eaten these past couple of days). I tried talking to my friend because I just needed to let it out and not keep it in. I texted Crisis Text Line during my lunch. But I felt worse after work.

So I tried to talk to my friend. It’s a long story with her that I’ve probably mentioned many posts ago. But when her response is “Oh Sure” and “What’s up?”. To me, that just is a statement that shows that you don’t really care.  So that made me feel even worse and worthless.

Then my mind goes crazy. “I don’t want to be here” “I can’t do this anymore” and other really dark thoughts appear in my head. Plus the physical symptoms that I have felt all day. My heart is beating so fast and at times, irregularly. My throat hurts and my head hurts as well. And I feel as if I can’t breathe.

Oh it doesn’t stop there. I try helping my parents with my dad’s new phone. And my dad is pissed at my mom and starts slamming drawers and cabinet doors and basically throwing the clean dishes back into the cabinets. To a point, where it felt very dangerous. He hasn’t physically hurt any of us, but the way he expresses it, is very scary.

Then that was it. That was the last trigger.

And I wanted to be weak for once and just completely end things. But I didn’t and I never do.

Why? What did I do in my life to feel like this and have people treat me like this? Can’t I just move to the other side of the country and forget about every shitty thing in my life over here? Can I start over again without paying for it? Because I have no fucking money to move to a different state.

Just when I thought my depression has hit the rock bottom, the worst that its ever been…life proves that there is something deeper and we can never go up.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

-Mel

1 Comment

  1. Are you unionized and in treatment? If so, you are probably reasonably protected if you take medical leave. Depending on how much vacation you have accrued as a teacher, you might even be able to get paid or have a short term disability policy you didn’t know you had. The teachers I’ve known have had unlivable salaries, but weirdly have all had short term disability and even reasonable semi-paid FMLA for which the union went to bat to make mental health covered. Look into your benefits to make sure you don’t have a short term disability hidden in your package that you could use with documentation of you health needs (but definitely talk to your district union people and maybe district central HR to avoid having it get back to any backstabbing colleagues at the school itself.)

    Like

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