The Beginning. Of the (almost)End.

January of the new year has literally been a roller coaster of emotions.

It’s almost the end of the month and I cannot even believe that all these crazy things happened in just a matter of weeks.

I have two more days of this month and I don’t even know.

This year, I wanted to start writing things down everyday on what happened. Just a small record of what happens everyday.

The beginning of the month and now the 29th, they are polar opposites.

I started the beginning of the month wanting to end my life. It was really rough. And something in me, somehow convinced me to create a plan.

Obviously I’m here and I really hate telling others that I didn’t want to live anymore. Because of the dumb stigma. But those first couple of days were horrible and it felt like it was the beginning of the end. It felt like nothing was going to get better.

I woke up on the 2nd of this month with a horrible nightmare, actually two. And one of those nightmares came true in my reality. It was the first day of work for the new year and it turned out to be the start of ONE of the worst work weeks of this year/month.

That day, my co-teacher was not talking to me at all. From the moment I walked in until the moment she walked out. Same with the next day and the next. She just had a negative vibe towards me.

Then the reality of the nightmare came true. I had a dream that I had parents of my students crying because they moved two new kids in my class and it was full. So they had to move my students to a new class. And that is what basically happened. A new-ish staff’s kids went to my (already-full) class and when we go over ratio, we have to move our student’s (WHO HAVE BEEN THERE SINCE JULY) to another class for the day. With my co-teacher already having a weird vibe. That threw both of us over the edge. That was Day 3.

Day 4. I started getting symptoms of a cold and continued to Day 5.

I’m pretty sure Day 5 was supposed to be my last day…ever.

I felt sick waking up and my parents didn’t believe me. I asked to stay home to rest, instead of going to my aunt’s house for dinner. I got yelled at, many times and my parents making me feel like shit. That was the trigger point. And that’s when my plan started. Those feelings I had…the worthlessness I felt and the thoughts of life not getting any better.  

Looking back on what happened and how I felt. I don’t know how I did it. How I’m still here. It was the worst.

The next couple of days were spent celebrating my mom’s birthday. to survive at work. Trying to “tidy up”. It wasn’t bad like the 4th day. Work was tiring. So tiring. Especially the week with four days of rain and a late work meeting.

Then I celebrated my friend’s birthday. And that day I started getting a sore throat. Then last week happened and it was the craziest week at work.

My co-teacher started feeling sick on Monday. I was starting to feel like my sore throat was something more than a sore throat. On Tuesday, I wasn’t feeling better. And my co-teacher was off because she was sick. And then I found out she was going to be gone for the rest of the week. Along with running the whole class, I had to get more than half of my class to finish art for the art show later that week. Then Wednesday was unexpected. I didn’t feel good at all. I came to work and immediately got to go home because I looked and felt horrible. I went to Urgent care and had back and forth thoughts on whether to go to work the next day. I had a doctors note, but with my co-teacher gone and lots of work to do, I didn’t know what to do. But I really thought about the what-ifs. I already had that Friday approved to be off at 1:30 and my anxiety had its thoughts. What if I had both Wednesday and Thursday off and they won’t let me off on Friday early. So I went to work Thursday and by 4:00 I felt miserable.

That Friday was the weirdest day. I went to work still not feeling great. I did all the things I had to work on and suddenly I was off. Then I quickly went home and left for Vegas with my family. That traffic and the long drive quickly reminded me why I haven’t been to Vegas in awhile. Then at 9:30pm, we were in Vegas. Had our traditional meal at 11pm and slept at 2am.

The next day, was worth it. The morning was rough. But then we watched Cirque du Soleil’s Beatles Love for the second time. The first time we watched it, was when it opened like 12 years ago. But this time, felt like it was our first time. Some parts were familiar, but it was so long that I didn’t remember and they revamped it a couple of years ago. So it felt new.

I was in awe the entire time. I couldn’t stop feeling amazed and happy. I didn’t think about the struggles and hard times that I had for the past couple of weeks.

It was an amazing feeling. Just to be happy. To be in awe and be in the moment.

I wanted to cry because of happiness and not sadness. That show was something that I desperately needed.

And my mood feels a little uplifted after that show.

The days followed until now are just okay. But I’m just in a weird mood because I don’t know what will happen. And I have this strange feeling that I’ve had before but I can’t figure it out. It’s a mixture of butterflies in your stomach, anticipation, nervousness and anxiety.

This year. This month. Mann.

-Mel


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