It finally happened.

I’m going back to therapy.

& it couldn’t have started at the right time.

This week, I’m having an immense amount of anxiety and I’m kind of scared of it.

And I’m now realizing it’s a series of anxiety attacks.

The trigger happened on Monday after a stressful and overwhelming last hour of my shift.

Then the entire night, I was completely anxious.

I couldn’t stop moving and my mind was racing around in my head.

I couldn’t stop worrying or thinking about worst case scenarios.

Anything that typically can slow down my thoughts or distract my mind didn’t work AT ALL.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe 10x than normal.

I just didn’t know what to do.

The next day was a lot of forgetting things or getting completely confused by everything.

I forgot to lock the door in the bathroom at work and luckily I was finished when someone walked in (twice).

I thought the barista called my name for my drink. And ended up getting a really gross LARGE drink.

And today,

I just want this week to be over.

At this moment, I’m having a lot of anxiety. I really just want this work week to be over.

But I’m going back to therapy.

I don’t know if I shared this, I probably have.

But therapy didn’t work for me the first time,

I was 21. My mom set up the appointment. I’m not sure how I asked her to set it up for me. But I saw a therapist and psychiatrist. That was when I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder.

No offense to that therapist. But I just felt like she kept on advising me to “stop thinking” about certain things, like my ex boyfriend. It didn’t help.

The psychiatrist was much more helpful on listening to me. However, I didn’t like being prescribed to medication. The medication didn’t do anything except for giving me its side effects.

I’m really hoping that this time will last more than a couple of months and that it will actually help me.

Good night.

-Mel

1 Comment

  1. Hugs. Your job sounds like a painful contributor to your mental health. I get that. My boss…well…he’s definitely not a “good” person, let’s leave it at that. And, it sounds like there’s family issues and more. Go with your gut in therapy. If this one doesn’t work out, call multiple providers and interview *them* like you are hiring them for a job. You are, after all. And, since your own job is stressful enough, you deserve the person you hire to be someone you truly feel safe with and who validates your feelings. Make sure also they understand and are able to work with bullying victims, as it sounds like workplace bullying is definitely a factor, and trauma, as I could perceive the fear in your post writing about a tense family situation. (And before you say “oh, but it isn’t really trauma because…”, remember that there are many types of it, and the things that twist you into a panic can count, even if your brain says “oh, but someone else went through worse.” There’s always someone who has it worse, but if something scares you enough to post that fear or have nightmares about repeatedly, that’s plenty.

    Like

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