Tomorrow is the last day of another chapter in my book.
When I got the email from my new job exactly 2 weeks ago, I had a whole mixture of emotions.
And that mixture of emotions went up and down like a roller coaster these last two weeks.
I would be sad about leaving my students and family. And just look at them already missing them. I would be sad and miss the moments I shared with each student. I would miss the silly things they would say and the unique personality each student has. I would miss their hugs and all the pictures they would make me. I would miss their wonderful families. I would be sad leaving my co-teacher and other co-workers.
Then at times I was angry. I would remember all the reasons why I wanted to leave. I thought about all the times that I was stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated at work. I thought about all the times that I left work with an: anxiety attack, panic attack or a migraine. Yesterday, I thought about all the times that they treated my co-teacher as the main teacher. And that got me really angry and so glad I was leaving.
There were times when I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was really anxious the moment I got the email up to giving the 2 weeks notice to my boss. When my boss tried to negotiate with me to stay on those 2 long frustrating meetings, it made me extremely feel uneasy and anxious. I questioned and second-guessed myself if I made the right decision to take that job. I had anxiety about all my finances and the upcoming trip for my brother’s graduation. For a couple of moments, I thought to myself, I’m going to be broke. I had many nights of my mind messing with me and not letting me sleep.
There were times where I felt good. I thought to myself, it’s a new change but a good change after looking back at the reasons for quitting. There are hundreds of reasons why I decided to quit and they are valid reasons. So it made me feel good that I made that decision. Additionally, I started to get support from my student’s parents when I told them I was leaving. I had parents tell me last week “You are doing this for yourself” and “Good for you”. That changed my perspective on everything. I stayed at this job for so long for other people and I’m leaving for myself. As much as the parents were sad I wasn’t staying, they were supportive on this new journey for me.
I haven’t been extremely sad this week.
My mind keeps on reverting back to the last days from my other jobs. I would cry either the night before or during the shift. I would tell myself, “this is the last time for____” for every little thing.
And I thought I would be very emotional this week, but I’m not.
I couldn’t figure out why until my drive home today.
Before I drove out of my work’s parking lot. I randomly decided to listen to “The Beatles Essentials” on my iTunes.
It immediately brought me back to senior year when I used The Beatles songs for my 18th Birthday.
The song “In My Life” started playing and I remembered using that for my slideshow. And then I started thinking about my students, then the memories would play in my mind and I started crying.
After a few miles down the freeway, the song ” Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” started playing. It sounded familiar, like I heard it in a restaurant or something a long long time ago. Then I heard the lyrics …….
“Obladi oblada life goes on brahhh
Lala how the life goes on”
And I started singing along loudly as if I were in a concert…. “LIFE GOES ON”
LIFE GOES ON.
And that’s when I knew that I wasn’t emotional about leaving because Life Goes On!
Change is scary. BUT. Change is inevitable. & SOMETIMES. Change is necessary.
I used to have a hard time with change. When a chapter of my life starts coming to an end, I would become extremely emotional. After the chapter would end, I would think about the moments from that chapter….days, weeks, months and even years later. I would not let it go. I always wanted those moments to be part of the current chapter, even though I had already finished that chapter.
I spend a whole lot of time in my mind: either in the present or in the future.
And according to my therapist, that is what ANXIETY is. We are either thinking about the past or always anticipating the future.
But after hearing the words, LIFE GOES ON.
I don’t want to dwell in the memories and moments from this job and have it affect my new job and current life.
This chapter is closing and even though I’ll keep in touch with my co-workers, I only want to keep in touch with those memories every once in a while. Not days, weeks, months or years later.
Tomorrow is the end of one chapter.
I’ll talk to you when the new chapter begins.