My mind can be a bully.

So I did it. Ended my first week at my new job.

From the very beginning of this week, I was so positive.

& then my mind got to me and basically made me feel worthless.

Starting a new job is hard. You have to learn so many things from new policies and procedures and you have to try and get to know your new co-workers.

Starting a new job when you are a teacher is hard. Going to a new school, you have to learn everything. Especially their curriculum, routines, students, teachers and parents.

Starting a new job when you are a teacher in the middle of the year is even harder. The school has been open for a little over half a year, so it’s established its policies and they have their own procedures. The students are already used to the teachers and if you add a new teacher then it throws them off. And starting a new job when you’re one of the last teachers to start is hard. Especially when those other teachers have known each other for months now.

While I like my new job and the environment, I’ve been struggling these past 2 days and it’s all because of my mind.

In my previous job, I had a difficult time adjusting during my first week. It was my first job as a teacher and working full time and I was too overwhelmed. I would text my old co-workers and told them that I couldn’t do it. And they assured and reassured me that I was fine. Because I just started and I wouldn’t know how to do everything right away.

I didn’t want to feel that way with this job. I wanted to be confident.

And I thought I was in the beginning.

Then my mind started to steer my positive mindset into a very dark and negative place. It was kicking me and telling me that I wasn’t good enough.

I was training alongside another new teacher. And I thought it was great to not be the only new teacher.

Then my mind went to a dark place. And immediately, the thoughts of “I’m not as good as she is”. “She is succeeding in the classroom with certain students and I’m failing because certain students are not listening to me”.

Today we had a staff meeting in the morning and my mind decided to taunt me after that.

Saying, “You don’t fit it”. “You’re such a loser. These people have lives and you don’t”. “You’re the only shy one here”. “They probably don’t like you”.

And that messed me up for the entire day. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I know that it’ll take time for me to learn and grow in my new job.

But my mind already has told me that I failed.

My mind is a bully.

-Mel

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