I had a panic attack 2 days ago.
The WORST PANIC ATTACK I’ve ever experienced.
It all started with the “what if’s?” after work.
It was a rough day at work that day.
So my anxiety-filled mind went to “what if tomorrow is like today but worse?”. Then what if this happened to this kid and so on…
Then I started thinking deep into things…then I had an immediate flashback of a memory over a year ago where there was an immense misunderstanding and I could of gotten fired over it. It’s weird because I haven’t thought of that event in over a year. I completely put that moment in the deepest part of my mind and in a instant, it came back.
That was the trigger.
With the exhaustion and feeling like I failed from work that day and all the overthinking….That old memory destroyed me and led me to one of the worst panic attacks I have ever experienced.
It started with crying.
Then heavy heavy breathing, where I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I was holding my head and kept on repeating “Please make it stop” many many times.
At some point the breathing was heavy and very very rapid. Then I started breathing in more than breathing out. And my nose started plugging up and I really couldn’t breathe.
& My heart was beating at a really fast pace. To the point where it didn’t feel like it was normal.
It lasted for about 10 minutes.
And after it stopped, I just laid there and felt like I couldn’t move. When I could finally get up, I lost my balance and felt very weak.
I felt like I was dying.
It felt like I couldn’t breathe at all and that my lungs and my heart were giving up.
I had many panic attacks before, but not like this.
It didn’t feel right. Everything about it was unusual and very scary.
I thought I was going to go to sleep and not wake up.
I was absolutely terrified.
When I was finally able to catch my breath and be at ease, I went to sleep.
I woke up and I felt like I just ran a marathon.
Every part of my body was aching.
So why did this happen? How did this panic attack become so extreme?
I thought about it the day after. And I think these past 3-4 weeks have been too overwhelming and too much for me to handle.
The week before I got the email informing me of my start date, I got an email saying that enrollment was slowly growing and I thought it would be months before I started. Then the week later, I got my start date.
The next two weeks was surreal from giving my two weeks to working on my last day.
Then with only a ONE day break in between, I started my new job last week. Training. Getting to know the staff and children. Understanding the policies and the routines of the classroom.
Then I started officially working in my classroom this week and it hasn’t been the best first week in my class.
It was all too much for me. So many things happened one after another immediately without giving me a chance to breathe and comprehend what is happening.
So once a bad day at work happened, everything just got worse and led to that panic attack.
I don’t know.
Panic attacks the worst.