Starting a new decade. Year 30.

It doesn’t feel like I’m starting a new decade, a new age and a new year in less than 2 hours. It doesn’t feel like it’s my birthday in a couple of hours.

Honestly, I’m exhausted from these past couple of months of: ending a new job, starting a new job. Going to watch my brother graduate. Relatives from another country, another state and another city visit for his graduation party. And a week off of work and recovering it from it. And then trying to readjust to work after a week off. I’m exhausted.

And I’m too exhausted to care about my birthday. And doing all these things I normally complete days before my birthday.

Such as:

  • Crying and hating who I am.
  • Reminiscing over past memories by looking at old photos and crying more that I am not close with my close friends and family anymore due to my mental health.
  • Looking at my journal where I wrote on this day (June 4th) as long as I remember. I reminisced about my year and wrote my goals for the next year.
  • And lastly, staying up until midnight when I officially turn a new age. (I’m already sleepy writing this post…so that’s definitely not going to happen).

I was reading those June 4th journal entries from years past. And after reading those entries. I am embarrased.

I would have so much high hopes on my birthday (even when I would tell myself not to have expectations) and would get so disappointed and cried many times on my birthday.

I would write all those goals for the new year. I wasn’t successful in a majority of those goals.

I felt as if my birthday and a new year would magically change my life for the better.

But I was wrong. Many many many times.

I’m so done with birthdays. I’m actually nervous if someone will catch me off guard and actually surprise me with something. Because I’m at that point where I’m just over it and would give my fake smile or give that “WTF” look on my face.

I’m sleepy.

Here’s to the start of new year and a new decade.

Happy Birthday (to me)

-Mel

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