I know the looks.
I know the stares.
I know the body language.
I know the tones in their voice.
I know the fake smiles.
I have major depressive disorder.
& I have anxiety.
I’m not a bad person.
And yet… the looks, the stares, the body language, the tones and the fake smiles directed towards me MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON.
All because of my mental health.
I didn’t choose to have depression & I didn’t choose to have anxiety.
So why am I being treated this way?
I don’t know & I don’t know if I will ever know.
Is it because I don’t approach people and ask to hang out…
Well here’s why:
A. I always initiate it. Asking to hang out, it’s always me. I always suggest, initiate, ask, make plans. And if I don’t the other person doesn’t initiate, ask me or makes plans with me. It’s one way.
B. Ditched. Cancelled. Or never communicates. There are many times where plans were made and they don’t happen. Plans made, sometimes confirmed. (BTW when I make plans with someone, I plan my entire day for that individual. Cancel errands, postpone tasks, etc.) Then I get that dreaded text (but very common) the night or that day with some excuse.
C. People forget. I always remember. And I’m left waiting by my phone for any confirmation. And end up just……….disappointed.
My mom asked me a week ago if I had seen or talked to my friend. And I said NO and immediately she put the blame on me. “Well you should communicate with her” and I just walked away.
It’s always my “fault.”
It’s my “fault” that I got depression and anxiety.
It’s my “fault” that I was vulnerable and shared something deeply personal to me.
It’s my “fault” that others distanced themselves away from me because I shared about my mental health.
It’s my “fault” that I don’t want to waste my time with those who don’t support me or make me feel like I’m worth anything to them.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to a birthday part of my cousin’s daughter (who I absolutely love) and I was immediately triggered. Because my birthday was a week before and I had a small amount of birthday greetings. I didn’t have any of those small amount of people greeting me..ask me to dinner or something to celebrate. And there we were a week later, having a big party (and it wasn’t even her birthday for another week). Seeing so many people give presents, make a cake, buy another cake and telling her “happy birthday” gave me so much anxiety.
But the worst part was when I walked in to the party, my cousins saw me and gave me this look. And I immediately felt anxious and uncomfortable. It’s the kind of look, well…it was kind of like a disgusted look. Thats how I interpreted it. And their body language was just weird and the way they said “hi”… everything was just weird. And I could feel that energy right away. And I went inside to look at the food (which I decided not to eat because I felt uncomfortable and anxious), they all went inside after and just walked past by me, they all were huddled at one end of the island. I immediately stopped looking for food and sat in front of the TV away from everyone.
And it seems like so childish.. the way that I’m saying this. But that’s what I saw and that’s how it felt.
(oh and it’s July 5th, one month after my birthday. And my friend who said she’ll take me out after she feels better, STILL hasn’t contacted me)
This week we had a potluck for the Fourth of July at work. I typically go to my car during my lunch break. Because (1) staying inside the building during lunch just makes the day feel so much longer. (2) staying inside the building all day, especially if I had a rough morning, increases my anxiety. It’s a break for a reason. For the potluck, I stayed inside to eat the food from the potluck. And a co-worker made a comment of “why does it feel like there’s so many people in the break room today” and I could just feel the stares heading my way. I felt uncomfortable and then I left to go to my car even though it was like 85 degrees.
I’m not a bad person.
I work hard. I do things for my family. I always think about others wants and needs before mine. I make sure to see things from another’s point of view.
And yet, the way others treat me feels like I’m a bad person.
Having depression doesn’t make you a bad person.
Having anxiety doesn’t make you a bad person.
And if others don’t support you through a hard, lonely and very difficult time.
Then I’m sorry, then they are bad people.
You have so many things happening to you mentally and physically with depression and anxiety….you need support through it.
And when others don’t support you and make you feel bad for it,
then they are the ones who should feel ignored, unwanted and lonely.