All I’ve Ever Wanted in these Past 15+ years of Struggling with a Mental Illness is a HUG.

The most simplest form of human connection: A HUG.

And that’s something I want, but don’t get.

But it’s something that I want/need when I’m struggling with depression or anxiety.

I get those awkward side hugs from people, second-long hugs from relatives and hugs from my students.

But those hugs are just for greetings…saying hello or good-bye.

I want to be able to hug someone when I cry or when I have a panic attack.

An embrace.

These past couple of days have set off every trigger that I know and don’t know.

And once again, I was driving home. I started crying non-stop and my heart was pounding. I couldn’t breathe. I felt dizzy and couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t see from crying so much. I felt nauseous. And I’ve barely ate all week.

I kept on telling myself that I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.

And I still feel like I can’t do it.

All I kept on thinking about is how I need a hug.

I CANNOT STRESS HOW HARD IT IS TO LIVE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS LIKE DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY AND NOT GET ANY SUPPORT.

I felt like I was going to therapy, only for the fact that I wanted/needed someone to talk to. I was paying $75 every 2-3 weeks and using my insurance ONLY TO talk to someone because I needed to talk to someone.

(Side Note: I have to get a new therapist because of new insurances & stuff. So I haven’t been to therapy in 2 months).

I’ve mentioned many times that I don’t have any support with my depression and anxiety.

My parents don’t believe that mental illness is real. And that it is all in my head and that I should stop thinking about it.

My friend (basically only friend) doesn’t talk to me for months. She’ll state that she’s “there for me” whenever I need someone to talk to. But when I do really need someone to talk to and share my struggles with her, she either responds with “Oh I see” OR doesn’t respond. But when I change the subject, oh how quickly she will respond .

My cousin (who was like a best friend) started distancing herself from me when I would post quotes or photos about Mental Health Awareness on Instagram. And now we don’t talk or see each other (only for family parties) and she feels like a stranger to me.

I don’t want anyone to solve my problems or give me advice.

A hug.

That’s all I want when I’m struggling with my mental health problems.

-Mel

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