It’s National Suicide Prevention Week.
Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day.
And just a couple of hours ago, I wanted to end my life.
Typically around this time, I will talk about the importance of this week.
But this year, I have been quiet about it.
These past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind and I’ve been putting my emotions to the side, only because I didn’t want to deal with it.
I’m not okay. And I knew that at any moment, I could just explode with emotion.
Yesterday, I was having a conversation about photography and cameras with my brother and cousin.
And later on, I thought about how I don’t take photos anymore.
Photography was such an important thing in my life for such a long time.
And then all of a sudden, I stopped taking photos. Not on my camera and not on my phone.
And that made me so sad. I love photography so much and it sucks that it’s not really in my life anymore. And it sucks that I don’t have the motivation or desire to do it anymore. That was the trigger.
I left work today with my anxiety building up in me. I was kinda embarrassed because I was taking out the trash. I was not informed that the cleaners were coming that day. And I could just see the stares from my other co-workers about it. This was the explosion.
As I was driving home, I barely left work and my mind exploded with the thought “I’M NOT OKAY!”. I’m so sick and tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not.
I thought about how I’m 30 and there’s nothing in my life that is worth living anymore. I thought about how I don’t fit in with my co-workers at work. I thought about how I don’t have ANYONE to talk to anymore: no friends, no cousins and now no therapists. I’m all alone with my thoughts and have no one to share it with. I thought about how embarrassing it is that I cannot afford my own place due to student loans and helping my family out. I thought about how I spend so much time at home because I have no one to talk to and have nothing really to do. I also thought about how I’m 30 and I don’t have my life together.
So what’s the point of living? If I’m gone, life will still move on.
But I don’t do it. I don’t kill myself. I don’t do it. For my family.
But I think about it all the time.
And I lie. I don’t tell my therapists about it. I don’t tell the helplines about it.
It’s a thought that’s so deep and personal and I’m afraid to share it with others.
During my 30 minute car ride home, I also thought about how I recently found out that I need glasses. And I thought about my eye sight and how it only got slightly worse on one side due to a mild concussion I had 9 years ago.
When I worked at a bakery cafe years ago, I got a mild concussion. I didn’t think it was a big deal in the beginning. Someone put a big box (containing large soda cup lids) on a top shelf like half way hanging off right next to the walk-in (big fridge). I knew it was there and somehow during the shift, I opened the door quick or something and the box rapidly fell on the back of my head.
My co-workers made it a huge deal. I was just embarrassed of the fact that a box of lids fell on me. My co-worker made me put ice on it. And later I did find a medium sized bump on my head. Days later, I felt vertigo when I was in class and didn’t feel good. Later during the week, I went to the doctor provided by the company. And they saw a slight difference in my eyesight. And now 9 years later, I definitely need glasses.
But I thought about an event that happened while I was going through this mild concussion.
During this time, I was significantly depressed. Especially after finding out that my ex definitely broke up with me to be with another girl.
With my concussion, I had to be very careful not to hit my head and make it worse.
But I was so depressed at the time and I purposely hit my head.
I was in so much pain emotionally and mentally that I just wanted to get the thoughts of him and the girl out of my head.
So I hit my head on the steering wheel of my car. And then I banged my head on the wall….on the back of my head where the box hit. I banged it hard to the point where I felt really lightheaded after and I needed to lay down.
I hurt myself physically because I was in so much pain mentally and emotionally.
That’s why I feel like people hurt themselves or kill themselves.
I’m still rooting for less stigma in mental health. I’m still trying my best to advocate for mental health.
But I’ve been struggling alot. And there are times like today where I want to give up.
It’s so hard.
Having depression is hard.
Having depression and anxiety is hard.
Having depression and anxiety and going through this with no support IS HARD.