New Year. Same Me.

It’s the new year.

I didn’t make any New Year Resolutions.

I didn’t make any goals for the New Year.

I didn’t reflect on what happened in 2019 by looking at photos or my journals.

& most importantly, I stopped telling myself “New Year. New Me”

This year I didn’t want to mark the new year as a new beginning.

My life isn’t changing between December 31st 2019 to January 1st 2020.

Life is still the same, so I wanted to stop teasing myself that my life will change and I will get a new start.

I would always have high expectations for the new year.

I always believed that maybe my life will change for the better in the new year.

But after remembering on how I felt a year ago. I didn’t want to make any assumptions on how this year will be.

Last December, I was so excited for the new year. I was going to start my new job, have a “fresh” start, watch my brother graduate and have tons of family visiting. Additionally, it was the year that I turned 30.

So I had high expectations that this year was going to be great.

& immediately I was wrong.

The first couple of days of 2019 was the absolute worst.

& during that time, I had a detailed plan for ending my life.

2019 was full of anxiety and stress. From working at my previous job and transitioning to my current job. And when I am finally settled at my current job, I get hit with an immense amount of stress. I did watch my brother graduate and have family from the Philippines visit. But it was such an exhausting time and it took me a week to recover. And I did turn 30, which was a big deal for me but I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with.

My high expectations for the year turned into complete devastation.

I don’t know what’s going to happen this year.

I’m not gonna come up with ideas on what to accomplish this year.

Because life is still the same.

The only thing that changed is the Month, Day and year.

Everything else is still the same.

New Year. Same Me.

-MEL

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