The day of the week where all of a sudden: my anxiety and depression are heightened and basically I feel like sh*t.
On this week’s episode:
I had a rough day before going to work. I had a rough day at work with an increasingly amount of anxiety. And now I am basically torturing myself and thinking about my past.
I don’t know what it is about Thursdays. I start breaking down during this time of the week. And what sucks is that I still have ONE more day of work to get over with.
(Just a warning, this blog is a bit of just everything that came from my mind today into a post….this might be long).
I woke up today immediately confused. I didn’t remember turning on my white noise machine last night and I wake up hearing it. And then I started questioning myself if I turned it on. Afterwards as I was leaving for work, I backed up my car and scratched the back of my dad’s car (he was not happy). Work was just stressful as always with an added amount of: forgetfulness, exhaustion and anxiety. I had anxiety over an upcoming evaluation. I came home extremely lethargic, exhausted and just tired.
On my way home, I started thinking about what my co-workers were talking about….Valentine’s Day. And I thought about how long and hard I worked to train myself not to think about Valentine’s Day as a day that everyone has to celebrate. Besides celebrating it at work ( due to being a teacher), I will only think about it as a regular day.
And then I started to think back to how I got to that idea of treating Valentine’s Day only as February 14th. Before having relationships, I would always “dream” of having a romantic date with a significant other with flowers (not roses). And yes, it was mostly from watching movies and tv shows. So naturally when I was in a relationship, I was expecting a lot of cliche’ Valentines things. And in one relationship, we made it official. So Valentine’s Day was very important to me (back then).
And then I became single year after year. And when Valentine’s Day came, I was very very depressed. Luckily, I had some family and friends who would write sweet notes to me on that day. I don’t know when it started, but one year I just told myself that Valentine’s Day is NOT a big deal. And I thought if everyone proposed on this day, said “I love you” for the first time on this day and had first dates on this day….then it’s not really special. Because you’re sharing that day with everyone else. And then I started caring less about Valentine’s Day. When I became a teacher, that holiday had a different meaning. And I would say that I had 24 little Valentines every year.
Throughout these Valentine’s thoughts, I thought about why I’ve been single for so many years. 10 years now!!
The reason is that I don’t trust people.
With my last relationships and how they ended (broke up with me to be ‘single’ but really broke up with me to be with another girl x2), it is very easy to lose trust with anyone and everyone. Especially when friendships end, you pour your heart and soul to someone just to be ignored and pushed aside. It will need someone very special to earn my trust with everyone again. I have talked to guys before, but once it starts to get a little bit more serious then I just end it.
And then of course it brings me back to thinking about my ex. Especially the last one. The one who is consistently in my dreams. And I have come to the realization that I probably have lots of dreams with him in it, due to the fact that we never really had closure. At least to me, I didn’t feel like I had any closure with him. With my other ex, we’re good. I haven’t seen him in years, but the last time we saw each other, we were on good terms. With the last ex, I would feel nervous if I ever ran into him.
Side note: Once I started thinking all these different thoughts, I just started putting myself down and thinking that I’m not a great person. Especially when I started reading the evaluation from my boss.
So what do you do when you feel like sh*t and had a bad day. Look on social media and try to find people from your past. Old best friends who used you and didn’t really care about you only on social media. Of course exes and friends of exes to just top it off.
Then it starts to get later and later, but you want to dig deep more into your past. And go into old scrapbooks from 2004-2011. Seeing photos and memories from years past. Decades ago. I forgot I was 30…
And now you just feel like sh*t. And you’re exhausted.
And you have to go BACK to work tomrorow.
Let’s see what next Thursday brings.