Yesterday was rough.
Physically, emotionally and mentally.
And then it was pushed way over the edge.
That moment it was pushed over the edge.
I had to hold it.
Had to hold my emotions inside.
Once I was in a safe and private area,
Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t stop crying.
Kept on telling myself that life isn’t worth it.
And then I did something I haven’t done in a long time.
I would bite my fingers hard. I scratched my arms to the point where it left red marks.
I tried using my pen to scratch me. But really, I was drawing lines to show where I wanted to hurt myself more.
I wanted to hurt myself more and more intensely.
As much as I thought that life wasn’t worth it and as much as I wanted to injure myself more and more, I didn’t want to kill myself.
Self-harm isn’t an indication for a suicide attempt.
I feel like the reason I self-harm myself is because I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I want to feel that pain physically.
I don’t get it too.
I haven’t had experiences of self-harm in a long time.
My other form of self-harm used to be banging my head against a hard surface (once after a concussion).
And after I realized what I was doing, I felt so ashamed of myself and basically made myself feel like shit.
Self-harm is horrible before it happens, during the process and the shame/guilt afterwards.