Hurting myself physically when I’m hurting mentally.

Yesterday was rough.

Physically, emotionally and mentally.

And then it was pushed way over the edge.

That moment it was pushed over the edge.

I had to hold it.

Had to hold my emotions inside.

Once I was in a safe and private area,

I…..exploded.

Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t stop crying.

Kept on telling myself that life isn’t worth it.

And then I did something I haven’t done in a long time.

Self-harming myself.

I would bite my fingers hard. I scratched my arms to the point where it left red marks.

I tried using my pen to scratch me. But really, I was drawing lines to show where I wanted to hurt myself more.

I wanted to hurt myself more and more intensely.

As much as I thought that life wasn’t worth it and as much as I wanted to injure myself more and more, I didn’t want to kill myself.

Self-harm isn’t an indication for a suicide attempt.

I feel like the reason I self-harm myself is because I feel so much pain mentally and emotionally that I want to feel that pain physically.

It’s weird…huh?

I don’t get it too.

I haven’t had experiences of self-harm in a long time.

My other form of self-harm used to be banging my head against a hard surface (once after a concussion).

And after I realized what I was doing, I felt so ashamed of myself and basically made myself feel like shit.

Self-harm is horrible before it happens, during the process and the shame/guilt afterwards.

-Mel

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