Why am I still here?

I’m going to be honest here.

And say that at this moment,

I’m crying and having a hard time breathing.

I usually wait until after a panic attack or suicidal thoughts to write these.

But I need to say everything that I’m feeling in the state that I’m currently in.

I don’t want to be here anymore. And I have these thoughts so many times and I never act upon it.

Why? Why am I still here?

Why didn’t I follow my plan and kill myself before I turned 18?

Maybe I thought my life would get better.

But I was wrong, I turn 31 in a couple of weeks.

And I hate my life so much.

And I don’t like admitting that. Because I know people are having worse problems than I do.

I hate myself. I hate how awkward I am. I hate how I am impatient I am when it comes to people texting or messaging back. I hate how things got worse after graduating college.

I hate how scared I am to do things.

Why? why did I stay alive?

I still think about that one day when I was so fucking depressed. And I had a plan to kill myself. And I told my parents that I wasn’t going to a family party because I didn’t feel good… so I can kill myself. And I got yelled at and had to go. I had a plan. And I really wanted to do it.

Life wasn’t worth it.

And I never feel like I’m good enough. Wasn’t good enough for my past boyfriends because they left me for other girls. Never good enough my mom.

Not good enough for my friends and cousins. Because I shared about my mental health and they decide to stop talking to me.

I want this pain to end.

I want to kill myself because I want this pain to end.

The pain of not being satisfied with my career path. The pain of being lonely because people leave. The pain of not accomplishing your goals by the time I reached my 30s. I’ve been in my 30s for almost a year now and I fully regret not killing myself when I was 18.

It wasn’t worth it.

I thought things would get better. But it’s not and I have to pretend every fucking day that I’m okay.

I’m not.

And yet, I still won’t kill myself.

I’m going to stay alive.

Why? I don’t know

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