Am I not worthy enough to feel loved?

I’ve been single for awhile….

I had my shares of ups and downs for being single for so long.

I had accepted being single for a long time. Because looking back at my past relationships and the heartbreak and pain that I was experiencing wasn’t worth it. If I was meant to be single for the rest of my life, then I just had to live with it, no matter what. And with the influence of some single foster and adoption moms that I’ve seen on Instagram, I think I want to be a single parent.

However…

I’ve hit rock bottom, feeling that loneliness and not feeling like I will never feel loved and cared by someone. Those f*cking couples that are “perfect” and romantic movies get to me sometimes.

That question in my title is something I asked myself last week when I was contemplating suicide….

I don’t know if it really makes sense…

But I just want someone to love me, for me.

I had a relationship, where I felt like I want to experience that stereotypical relationships you see on movies and shows. I wanted the flowers for Valentines Day. I thought I really wanted some jewelry (in reality I hated receiving jewelry).

I talked to a guy after a heartbreak and I felt like I wanted to be with him. But in reality, I just needed to fill that void from my heartbreak.

I’ve talked to some guys on dating apps. I’ve talked to guy where the conversations faded and didn’t go anywhere. One especially that I started to really like and we had many things in common. And he more I talked and started to like to him, the more fearful I became. I had really hard breakups where I didn’t feel good enough and that mindset affected me. So I stopped talking to him and “unmatched”….(I still regret it until this day).

When people talk about soul mates and the “one”….I’m starting to think it’s just all lies. Where’s mine?

I’m almost 31.

Do I really have to wait around for the “one” to come around?

Or am I just not worthy enough to feel loved by someone?

-Mel