3:47 A.M.

Oh here we are again..

It’s morning and the sun isn’t up yet. And I’ve been up for almost 2 hours.

Out of everything that I experience with depression and anxiety, I hate insomnia the most.

I’ve experienced insomnia even before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

When I was younger, I would wake up in the middle of the night many times. It went away for a little bit. But it came back when I was 19 and throughout my early twenties. I remember one summer where I would fall sleep at 4am or 5am everyday. In my late twenties, insomnia would happen every so often.

And then the pandemic happened.

In the past 2 months, I’ve experienced a lot of insomnia and a tiny bit of sleep.

It started off with sleeping around 10:45PM, then waking up a couple of hours later around midnight and falling back asleep. Then it went from waking up at midnight to 2AM, then 4AM. Sometimes I would fall back asleep right away. Other times, I would fall back asleep around 5-6AM. And there are times where I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I would just carry on with my day.

There aren’t any triggers with my insomnia.

I could have a stressful day filled with depression & anxiety AND have a full 8 hours of sleep.

& I could have a normal day without any significant stress AND wake up at 4am with a total of 3-4 hours of sleep.

I can’t do anything to prevent my insomnia and I can’t do anything to help “cure” my insomnia.

That’s the most difficult part…not knowing how much sleep I will get when I lay in bed at night.

Now it is 5:48 A.M.

It’s alot brighter outside than when I first typing this post.

Now time to start the day.

Here comes the sun, doo-doo-doo-doo, here comes the sun
And I say it’s all right

The Beatles

-Mel

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