Missing.

(This will be an unedited post because I have to go to work)

In the past couple of years, I’ve associated crying with: depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed and frustrated.

This morning, I was driving on my way to work listening to the same playlist I listen to every morning.

And then, I listened to Ben Platt’s “Ease My Mind” and I immediately started thinking about him.

My feelings for him have been confusing for me. I began to have feelings, but not strong feelings. Then I told myself I should not have any feelings for him because I will probably get hurt. And I don’t want to get hurt again. Then I told him my feelings and then immediately regretted it. I didn’t know how to explain my feelings towards him, because I was confused about it.

We haven’t talked for a couple of weeks now. After I “let go” of him.

And today, when I listened to that song. He immediately came into my mind. And I started to cry because I missed him. And I have never felt this way about anyone.

Sure, I’ve missed past boyfriends before because I was gone from them for like a couple of days. But it was the loneliness that made me miss them.

This feeling isn’t like that. I don’t miss him because I feel lonely. I miss him just simply because I miss him.

This missing feeling is different. And I don’t have all the words to explain how this feels. But I know that I haven’t felt this way before.

And the way, I’m crying about it is different. It’s not a crying that comes from feeling hurt. It’s not the type of crying that comes from a panic attack or feeling overwhelmed. When I feel stressed, I feel like cannot breathe when I’m crying. This didn’t feel like it.

My eyes are tearing up with a few tears falling down my face.

And now I know that I miss him.

Because I like him.

-Mel