It’s 4am on a work day. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back asleep.
But I guess 4am is the time for realizations.
Yesterday was a very frustrating day at work. It was like, a tiny thing in the universe was out of sync and it made my students forget everything that they’ve learned and were OUT OF THEIR MINDS.
It was too much. Students talking back. Students not listening. One student hitting the teacher who gives me my lunch break (he had hit me the day before). Students running around in the class and just dumping all the toys on the tables and floors. It was like I was in an alternate universe.
Because I teach my students to be kind and respectful to their friends, teachers and to themselves.
And I absolutely lost my patience. I had to take away so many toys and raised my teacher voice to the highest level. It ended up giving me a migraine.
I spent last night going over what happened at work. And how I had to yell and raise my voice.
That’s not me. That’s not why I became a teacher.
I’ve had many issues at work, that I’ve shared so many times on this blog. And yes, I don’t know why I’m still working there. When it didn’t give me support for challenging students. We had an entire class that had so much high energy kids and we had one student that we had to constantly keep an eye on & had challenges with. And that I’m still having challenges with until this day.
When I spent the first month of the pandemic doing work fit for two teachers. Additionally, they gave me a weird break schedule when I was a solo teacher. Getting my AM breaks at around 10:45-11am. Getting my lunch at 12pm and not getting my PM breaks until 5pm (during that time we had to sanitize everything, so I only gave myself a 5 min break to catch up)
Then the teacher who has supported me throughout my time being a solo teacher, finally became my co-teacher. Then they put a f*cking wall in my class and we each had our own mini classrooms. Which has so many challenges because our schedule is rushed and we only have a bathroom on one side of the classroom (not my side). And we barely have any materials in our class, because they split up the materials unevenly.
And I went from having the same 7 kids for months to now having about 16 kids total. We had one or two added months later. Then we got 5 new/ returning kids in one week.
And I’m still having problems with my challenging student.
I need to start standing up for myself now.
I really need to leave. I’ve dealt with so much sh*t with this job. And no one really realizes how much I went through. And how hard I worked.
I deserve better.
I deserve a job that I can come to work and leave work feeling satisfied. I deserve a job not feeling frustrated or having a panic attack coming home from work. I deserve a job where I don’t worry about what’s going to happen. I deserve a job that makes me feel like, “yes this is what I’m supposed to be doing”. I deserve a job that doesn’t make me mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted every single day.
Another thing also has happened since March.
I am 31 and finally realize that if a guy doesn’t have the same feelings for me, then I don’t need to change myself to make them like me. Also, I don’t need to put myself down when they don’t have the same feelings for me.
I’ve talked to two guys throughout this pandemic.
Both had the intention of wanting to sleep with me. Nothing more.
The first guy I talked to for months before we finally were able to meet up. Then I began to have feelings for him. I wanted to be honest and tell him, instead of hiding my feelings. After I told him my feelings, he only messaged me once. And after a week of making myself feel like I’m not good enough, I decided to “leave” (aka unmatch).
You would think that made me feel better.
Now that I had experienced communicating with someone on a daily basis. I didn’t like the feeling of not receiving any messages and not having someone to talk to.
I tried to fill that void and tried to talk to other guys. I didn’t want to feel lonely again. But in reality, I wasn’t really lonely. Because I’ve spent years not having someone to talk to. It was just a nice feeling of being able to communicate with someone again.
I talked to another guy and I’ve talked to him for weeks.
We FaceTimed the other night for the first time and suddenly he doesn’t message me. (Yes, I know it’s only been one day). After talking to him, I realized that he’s pretty cute and I liked talking to him. Then he doesn’t message the following day.
And I spent all day: replaying our conversation in my head. And kept on criticizing myself for things I said and thought maybe I should of said this instead.
I hated having that feeling of: DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?
I guess waking up at 4am was helpful. Because it clicked.
What am I doing?
Why am I only talking to guys who are only interested in me because they want to sleep with me? They butter me up by talking to me and probably acting like their interested in me. Once they are get what want, then they suddenly aren’t interested in talking to me.
I deserve better.
I deserve a guy who likes me for me. I deserve a guy that I don’t have to change myself to make them like me. I deserve a guy who I trust and trusts me back.
I deserve a guy that doesn’t make me worried about my actions and doesn’t makes me question “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?”
I’m not saying that I am the best person in the world and deserve the best things in life.
But I work hard. I’m a kind person. I think about others more than myself.
I deserve better than a job that negatively affects my mental and physical health. A job that makes me lose my passion for working in the education field.
I deserve better than guys who want nothing more than to sleep with me. I deserve a good guy who likes me, simply for me.
I need to walk away & know that I am so much better than others making me question my own self-worth.
My alarm just went off.
Time to start a new day. Not with a new perspectives on my life.
I deserve better.