WHEN_____, THEN I WILL FEEL____.

These past couple of months have been….sh*tty.

Y U P. No surprise there.

If this year has taught me anything, it’s that we have no idea what the future holds.

When the pandemic happened, I kept on thinking about different “future” scenarios and how it will make things better.

My thoughts went like this:

When ________, then I will feel______

“When my co-teacher comes back, then I will feel less stressed”. Well, he didn’t come back & I felt the pressure of being the only teacher for months.

“When my new co-teacher starts, then we can split the work and I can feel the weight off my shoulders”. The week before she was supposed to start as my co-teacher, they split my classroom into two. And without any notice, we wouldn’t be working together and would each have to manage a classroom on our own. We each have our own challenges in our classroom, that we have to do on our own without each other’s support.

There are many times in my life when I anticipate for something to happen, then it happens. And I discover it didn’t give me the long-term satisfaction that I was hoping for.

When I graduated college, it was a huge goal for me. I worked hard and I couldn’t wait for the day when I walked across that stage. It was the happiest day of my life. And then the next day happened, and I immediately went into a deep depression. I accomplished a great achievement and then I thought….now what? My life at that point was getting to graduation and then it happened. And I didn’t know what to do next.

When I received the offer for my current job, I was so excited and relieved. I thought this job was the answer to all the unhappiness that I felt at my previous job. Then I started this job and I felt like I was lost myself. I wasn’t creative in my activities and lesson. And I lost my passion and spirit for teaching. I thought the workplace at my previous job was the reason why I lost my passion for teaching. But I guess, it didn’t matter where I worked.

When I finally met up with the guy I was talking to for months, it felt great to finally see him in person. But immediately after I left, I was feeling very insecure. I had anxious worries and thoughts that appeared in my previous relationships. I discovered that I had trauma from previous relationships and years later, it still left a mark on me. We don’t talk anymore but I still think about him …

It’s easy to feel hopeless, when these things happen.

Why should I feel excited for something to happen, because my experience tells me that I will be disappointed or upset afterwards.

So I’m not going to do that…

I’m not going to think that things will be better, because _____ will happen.

I’m not going to think about the future. Not what will happen in 10 years, 5 years, next year. Not even what is going to happen in the upcoming week.

We didn’t know that we were going to be in a pandemic this year and that our lives would be turned upside down.

I look back on past photos and memories and think how much our lives have changed since then.

There’s no point in worrying about the future, because we have no idea what the future holds for us.

NO expectations. NO disappointments.

-MEL

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