I actually had a pretty good week at work, was soo ready for a 3 day weekend
& here I am crying….
I feel so depressed and I feel like crap.
Last week, I talked about my relationships to my therapist.
My relationships with: exes, friends, cousins, etc.
As I talked about each type of relationship, I noticed that I was repeating myself. A pattern started to form.
I would say the upside and downfalls of each relationship…and it was similar to the upside and downfalls of other relationships too.
With my exes, we would be close. Then the more I shared about my feelings, my insecurities showed. And it pushed them away…..to the point where they found someone else. They cheated on me and broke up with me.
With my best friend, we were really close. Then the more I vented to her, the more I got “Oh I see” as a response. The more I shared about my struggles with depression, the less we communicated. Then eventually, I stopped sharing my struggles to “save” our friendship. And now it’s been more than a year since we last talked.
With my cousins, again, we were close. I was particularly close with one of them. We would hang out all the time, talk everyday. But yet again, my depression & anxiety got too much. At one point, I stopped caring what everyone thought and shared more about mental health on my Instagram. I stopped pretending that I was okay whenever I was at family parties & kept to myself. But then again, sharing my struggles with my mental health just decreased the communication. And I was left out of cousin group chats and was sitting by myself during Christmas & family parties.
In all these situations, I always felt like I was the only one holding on to that relationship. If we didn’t talk in awhile, I would always initiate it. I would always suggest to hang out or talk.
I just kept holding on….wishing that they were holding on to that relationship too.
Soo.. the pattern.
- We were close
- Talk about struggles with mental health
- A decrease in communication
- Eventually, the end of that relationship (with or without closure)
My therapist told me to not let affect my own self-worth.
But I can’t help but think…it’s my fault.
WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
Is it because of my mental health? My depression? My anxiety?
Is it just because of me….
Am I just really awkward for them? Am I just boring because I’m an introvert and homebody?
Is it both?
I know that I’m being too hard on myself.
But I can’t help but think that it’s my fault.
& that I wasn’t good enough to continue the relationship…
I just want friends/boyfriends/cousins/etc. to care about me as much as I care about them.